Gratitude

How to cheat your wife

~ David C.

I met my wife over 26 years ago as a result of a blind date and our 24 year anniversary of marriage was last week.

 
That simple lunchtime together led to more dates, marriage, a child and wonderful life that has had its fair share of ups and downs. Through it all, I have striven to be as good of a partner and a husband as I can. I have often failed to live up to my own standards and have tried to take in my inner lessons to be better with every year.

It is almost cliche’ for some guys to joke about having married up but I can tell you for sure that is the case for me. I often feel unworthy of this woman I get to spend my days with and want to ensure I am doing my best to live up to being the man she deserves.

This week is the start of our 25th year of marriage and a good time to reflect back on what has made our marriage a success and mistakes I have made along the way. It takes a proactive effort to live a life together that thrives through the grind of day to day living and serves as a positive example for those around you.

I do not want to cheat my wife.

As long as we are going to be together until death do us part I want this life to be a good one filled with joy, satisfaction, and success. As I have thought about this deeply over the years there are five ways I want to be sure and not cheat her. My inner expectational failures have fortunately served as important lessons. If these ways to cheat are common to me, they may be common to you as well.

Want to know how to cheat your wife out of being her best and out of having the kind of man she deserves?

Don’t support her dreams

Fellas, it may surprise some of us to learn that the world does not completely revolve around you. Our wives have dreams too.

They could be career goals to find amazing success in high levels of leadership, they may be dreams of travel to exotic locations in far off lands. She may want to write a book or start a company. You will never know unless to simply just ask the question and then listen. Support her dreams and be active to help them come true.

Don’t live as partners

The Leave It To Beever days of the man coming home with dinner on the table and then time with a paper while the Mrs. diligently works away cleaning, changing diapers, shopping for groceries and taking care of every child issue all while wearing a pretty dress and pearl is long gone.

Make absolutely sure that you are part of family inc through your assistance around the house and with everything you can do together. I have no skill when it comes to loading the dishwasher correctly but I am a master vacuumer and moper.

A key partnership here is also around finances. Money issues are one of the top causes for divorce so it is critical that you have complete transparency in your finances and that you are working together on your get out of debt and save for the future goals. Separate accounts send a message that this is mine and that is yours. No, it is all ours. Even if the “yours” is debt or issues that were there before the marriage. Be of one in everything.

Don’t continue to pursue her

You were pretty awesome back in the day. Remember when you worked to look and be your best as you perused this person? You wore sharp clothes on dates, combed your hair, worked out to look good, and most importantly put on the charm.

Then you got married and suddenly all of this ended.

Quite often while out I will see a couple having a nice dinner. One is dressed to kill with a flattering outfit, hair done just right and an overall nice look. The fella, on the other hand, appears to have just rolled out of bed, thrown on a raggedy shirt, and has put no thought at all into the self-marketing to the wonder woman sitting across the table.

It is important that we never stop pursuing each other. 

 
Remind her often how beautiful she is and tell her that you love her. It does not take a lot of effort to surprise her with some flowers you pick up on the way home, a card hidden in a drawer, or even that random text letting her know you are thinking of how great she is. Key here is to not do anything because you want something in return for the attention you are giving. You are doing this to lift her up and to make sure she knows you love her as much or more than when you started together.

If you have children, be public with this praise by sharing in front of them why you think your partner is so wonderful. Remember, you are modeling how they will treat their own partner someday in the future.

Don’t let her have her own life

Women are far more social than most men. This means they may have friends away from your circle or perhaps hobbies that have no interest at all to you. Hey, that is okay! She needs to be free to be her own person and have her own interests. Encourage the hobby, the book club, the girls night out and make sure she can do these things without any feelings of guilt coming from you.

On the inverse, be respectful with your own interests to ensure you have a balance to make sure whatever it is you do does not dominate your time taking you away from your responsibilities.

Don’t honor her when she is not around

This, my friends, is very important and something every man should strive to do at all times.

One of the best definitions of integrity is what we do when no one is watching. Our thoughts, our actions, and our behavior matter at all times and this is especially true with our relationships. It may seem harmless to vent about your wife to your co-workers. It may seem harmless to click on that website or watch that movie when she is not around. It may seem harmless to watch the beautiful lady as she strolls by.

Smalls steps can quietly lead to roads you do not want to travel. Be better and don’t sway a bit. Ask yourself this. If she were here or if she could read your mind would your actions make her proud?

And for sure, never, ever, put down your partner in front of in conversations with your child.

Final thoughts

What about you? Are you a wife cheater? What are some areas where you feel you could improve to ensure you are not cheating your way out of the marriage that God intended for you to have?

Leave a comment to share with others.

I am Gladiator! How to know who you are.

~ David C.

Have you ever seen the movie, Gladiator? It is one of my all-time favorites and I have watched it many times. The lead character Maximus is one of those guys every man would wish to be. He is a true man’s man that is willing to die in the name of honor as he seeks to avenge the death of his beloved Emperor and family.

My favorite scene in the movie takes place as Maximus is standing in line with the other Gladiators awaiting his first fight in the grand coliseum of Rome. Slowly he rubs some soil in his hands and soon after a terrified man in front of him pees on himself out of fear.

There is no fear in the heart of Maximus. Instead, there is a steadfast resolve to face whatever challenge awaits on the other side of the gate.

Soon after the epic arena battle has been won the evil Emperor and murderer of his family asks “who are you?”

And here is his famous answer:

In many ways, I see this as a picture for the battle that is our lives. Every day we are stepping into an arena full of enemies and obstacles seeking our destruction. Every day is a battle to be faced and fought with full abandon.

The only way to win is to truly know with every inch of ourselves who we are and why we are here. Only then can we face it all with a conviction so strong that we would rather die than give up who God intended us to be.

At the end of my life, I want to die fully spent knowing that I gave it all for what was really important in this world.

I am Gladiator!

I am husband, father, and servant. I am passionate. I am positive. I am persistent. I connect people to success and I will win this day.

Do you know who you are?

Take the 30 day gratitude challenge

~ David C.
 
 
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 

 
Life is a series of up and downs and if you are not currently fighting a storm I can assure you that one is on the way. It is easy while in the midst of a difficult time to forget all that we have in life to be thankful.
 
That is one reason that for many years now I have begun most days with a mindset of gratitude. Most mornings and especially on Mondays I make an effort to reflect on the many things I have to be thankful about in my life. How can I have a bad week when there is so much good around me?
 
I try to affirm daily the good in my life and begin my day with thanks for what I have now and the opportunity to have even more in the future. I do this with a prayer thanking God for the present blessings in my life and for the opportunity a new day represents. Doing so only takes a few minutes of quiet reflection.
 
Example: 
“Lord today I thank you for ____________ and pray you will lift this person up and bring joy to their day”

“I thank you today for my ________ help me to appreciate it and all the other good things I have in my life.”

“Thank you, Lord, for this new day and the new chance to be my best and to serve others. I will honor this blessing today through my actions, my attitude and my results” 
 
Having gratitude for others is important since we never win alone. Do I have bad days and times when I am grumpy? Absolutely! These are the days when taking a moment for reflection and appreciation mean the most.
 
The belief in a day of success with a reflective moment on something positive begins momentum the right direction. It is on the days when I do not do this that I tend to falter.
 
Prayer works for me and may work for you as well. At the very least as you begin your day start it by affirming something and someone positive.
 
Next state your absolute belief success will follow as you go through your day.
 
My challenge to you is the try this for a month and see what happens. When negativity creeps into your mind as your day progresses repeat your prayer from the morning and commit to reset your attitude. I know that no matter what storm you are in now or what storm is coming there are things in your life that you have at this moment that you can take 2 – 5 minutes each day to give thanks. Just the fact that you woke up to face another day is a blessing as opposed to the alternative.
 

Try giving thanks each morning for the next 30 days. You will be amazed at the difference it will make.

 

Planning to win

~ David C.
Imagine you are standing at the end of a washed out bridge with people blindly driving your way all unaware of the fate that will behold them if they do not change their direction right away. You would, at the best of your ability, do all you could to get them to stop and go another way.
 
As a 50+-year-old genX-debt free-cancer survivor, I feel this way about many topics. Marriage, parenting, health, career, finances are all areas that by this point in life I have learned many lessons. Some through my own great mistakes and many through educated hard work successes.
 
My strongest obsession now for several years is a desire to retire without want. The journey began early in my working life when I first read The Millionaire Next Door. I was at the time single and making less than $25,000. It was amazing to learn at my young age that there is a path to wealth even for the average person. 

That seed of hope was small and at the time did not take full root other than to get me started on a low level of 401K saving.
 
I went on to live a normal life of spending and debt just like most people. Then in the spring of 1998 cancer came in another effort to wake me up. Now I had a fear of possible unmet family needs. Would we have memory building experiences? How would the son afford college? If I were to die, would my wife be left with financial security? Along the way, I also experienced job insecurity with layoffs occurring around me on average about every 12-18 months. Thinking of retirement was not a priority in part because I was unsure really if I would have a job or live that long.    
 
This little stew of experiences in some ways has left me pretty messed up.
 
So here I am soon to turn 52 and looking back while at the same time looking forward to a new stage of life. Retirement seems like an old man word but it looms as a possibility in just a few short years. Time does fly indeed and every day counts. 
 
According to this source, the median savings of someone my age is $117,000. Twenty-five year old me would have considered that to be a lot of money. Fifty-two year old me understands it to be terribly out of whack compared to what will be needed by most people to retire at a reasonable age with dignity. The person with $117,000 most likely does not realize that to have even $48,000 in income at retirement a nest egg of 1.2 million is recommended. That is a slap you in the face keep you up at night big number. Of course, you have to be aware of the number and care about it for the hand to be motivated enough to give yourself a whack.
 
Dear people wake up and realize the end of the bridge is coming and there is no reason to keep driving towards it. You know what to do. Get out of debt, live below your means and start saving now for a future that is many years away for some and just around the corner for others.
 
Whys and whats are easy to dream about. It is in the hows that we get hung up but the reality is that with the plethora of resources available to us today there no excuse not to win. Those who do not are doing so by either conscious or unconscious choice.
 
I plan to win. Just as importantly to me, I want you to win too. Here some resources to get you started. Join me and we will win together. 
 
 
 

20 Years Today

~ David C.
I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday.

I was in the shower as usual and while washing under my arm I felt a lump. After just a few moments of pressing, there was no doubt in my mind what it was.

Cancer

Cancer was not a stranger to me as I had a mole removed from my back that was melanoma five years before and my mother had passed away recently after several years of her own battle. So strong was my concern, that prior to asking Michelle to marry me I had visited the oncologist to ask about my own risks. He told me at the time not to worry and go live my life. Little did I know that this same doctor would design the battle that was to come in an effort to keep it.

I got dressed that morning without saying a word and dropped eight-month-old Conner off at daycare as if nothing was wrong. Next was a call the oncologist and a visit to hear from him.

In the exam room the dr. pressed under my arm to confirm the lump was indeed there along with a second smaller tumor. “What about the lump on your neck?” he asked. “How long as that been there?” Oh my! That was another surprise.
How and the world could I have cancer? I was still at the dawn of life with a young son, young marriage and a career that was just starting to find a path to success. My father had died when I was a kid dramatically impacting my view of the world and of myself.
Was my son now destined to grow up the same? No father memories and childhood fantasies of how different things would be if only I had a dad.
The official tests did indeed confirm that I had two tumors under my arm and one near my neck. The initial determination was dire as the under the arm tumor was so large that the surgical team thought there was not much to be done. The tumor on my neck was also in a precarious position which would make it difficult to remove. Nothing could be accomplished without first administering several rounds of chemo in hopes the tumors would shrink.  

The chemo was a surprise success with the tumors shrinking significantly making the surgery to remove them possible. It was also decided to remove the lymph nodes along my neck and arm. Unfortunately, along with this procedure came the next round of bad news.

The surgeon met with me in the exam room and sat several feet away in the corner with his clipboard and results.  While not making eye contact and with a grim voice, he proceeded to tell me that although the procedure went well it was clear that the larger tumor involved more than the lymph nodes meaning cancer had traveled through my bloodstream. The even worse news was that most of the nodes that had been removed clearly showed signs of cancer. He then proceeded to give me what seemed to be a well-practiced talk about preparing for the worse. I do not remember much else from this talk other than the clear message that things were not good.

Still, perhaps it was denial, I had hope in the future. So much so that Dr. Clipboard, sitting in the corner, added a comment to his notes that I would see later. “The patient does seem to understand the seriousness of his situation”. Well, in my mind getting further down emotionally or planning for an impending doom would not make any difference so there was no point really in worrying too much about it. The only choice was to just move forward with hope and to place my future completely in the Lord’s hands.  

The fact that I am writing this to you shows the power of our hope and the miracle of the life I have.

Today marks 20 years since my final cancer treatment. I have always thought of it as wonderful to have had that final radiation on Christmas Eve. After all, Christmas morning as all about hope, joy and a new beginning.

The day after, the next day and every day since has been a gift. Like many of the packages we open, I know I have not appreciated it as I should much of the time. I am far from the person I could be, have much to learn and a long way to grow. Nonetheless, for today, I am simply thankful. Thankful for this life and thankful to tell those around me that I love them.

I hope to move forward worthy of this gift of time and to never forget. I also hope that you never have to feel a lump or experience a trauma to be reminded of what life is really about. Make the most of each day as a gift as we do not know what may be waiting for us tomorrow.

Where is happiness?

~ David C.

Our family spent a few days in Colorado recently and it was wonderful to soak in the cool mountain air and view the beauty that can only be found in the great American west. I have kiddingly said many times that my happy place is on a mountain rock contemplating life. On this trip however, I took time to realize that my happy place is really not a place at all. It is a moment.

It is a simple time on the couch with my wife talking about our whacky dog. It is the conversation with our college age son about his current success and plans for the future. It is that moment on the bike side by side with others striving for personal fitness while enjoying some great comradery. It is at work when a new employee shares excitement about starting a job here and what it means for their life.

Happy is not a place. It is an ability to recognize the small moments that really make this life worth living and taking time to smile in the moment. As a new week begins, I am challenging myself (and you) to see the moment and know that these rocks are everywhere.

Let’s do this!

Life after 50

~ David C.

There are many men that when they pass a certain age lose their way. Statistics show that divorce rates and depression for men after 50 are growing with male suicide rates now peaking after 50. Little is known as to the reason why but my best guess is that many men turn to this decade of life, join the empty nest then look around and say, “now what?”.

Looking back there were once dreams of big jobs, big houses, big bank accounts, and small waistlines. Instead for many men we look around and find life has not quite turned out as expected.

We think

“Retirement is coming but I have no plan”
“Our child-centered marriage has changed and left my wife and me with little in common”
“Our friends were based on our child circle and they have moved on”
“The job of my dreams is now just a grind”
“The body I see in the mirror is of an old man. The athlete in me is gone”

“Now what?”  “Now what?”

Most men by nature keep these deep fears to ourselves and avoid sharing. If not addressed properly these inner demons can grow toxic leading to despair, poor health and broken relationships.

Wake up, brothers! These can be the best of times as you dig deep into the new you. You can get on track to retire with dignity with some intense actions.  You can fall even more deeply in love with your wife as you discover the joy of pursuing her again. You can use your new time to find renewed joy in your current work or perhaps a new path to a dream you thought would never happen. You now can take time to honor your body with a turn to a new level of health.

The truth is that in this day with information and examples of success so easy to find there is no excuse for not educating ourselves, setting new goals and then taking massive action to make it happen.

Fifty and beyond does not mean life’s journey is coming to an end. Instead, it can be a time to spring into an even more fulfilling life. Make the decade of your 50s the best years of your life with even more joy to come.  Go for it!

Chasing Success

~ David C.
Many years ago when I was a young man new in the corporate world met a fellow that was just about to retire. I remember he was super old like 55 or something (I am 50 now) and had a plan to hike the Appalachian trail. I do not recall his position with the company but I am sure it was not an executive level or anything like that. 

Learning that I was a new parent, he decided to give me some advice on how to have a happy career and retire early. He told me a story about a high school friend of his at a recent reunion that had given him a hard time about not having climbed higher on the corporate ladder. 

“I congratulated him on his career success and then asked him a few questions” 
“How many times have you been married?”

The answer was 2

“How many kids do you have?” 

The answer was 3 with two from the first marriage and 1 from the current

“Do you pay alimony and child support”

“Yes”

“Do you see your kids every day?” 

“No, my first wife has remarried and lives in a different city” 

“Are you going to be able to retire on your own terms and with money in the bank?” 

You can kind of see where the conversation was going. My new buddy told me that early in life he set his priority to be the best husband and best father that he could be. He on purpose then passed on job opportunities and promotions that would have taken him away from his primary mission.

 In the organization, he was at this time, not a CEO or anything like that but he was a high-level manager with a lot of responsibility. He was also very respected by his team and I could tell was a solid leader.

He had a career that was well done.

Along the way, he lived a conservative lifestyle, gave of his time freely to others, and invested heavily in his family. The bonus reward for all these choices was just around the corner as he was about to embark on a grand adventure to follow his dreams. The man just oozed joy and this 20-minute conversation really changed my perspective on life. 

Twenty years later I still remember that conversation and the impact it had on me. Looking back I am happy with the choices I have made along the way with my family, finances, and career. Yes, there have been many mistakes along the way but overall life is good. Looking forward, we are on our way to our next stages of dreams and that path I pray will be as full of joy as that I saw in the face of this man.

Life is going to be full of choices, I learned on that day to decide who I wanted to be and to not pay a price for success by losing things that were far more important and long-lasting.

Know your values. Know your goals and never waiver.

Being thankful

~ David C.
This week is Thanksgiving and there is no doubt that many folks will take time to reflect and be thankful. That is a very good thing.


The truth is that the spirit of thankfulness is something we should have every day of our lives and there is no need to make it a holiday. At the same time, the coming together of family and friends plus a chance to eat three slices of pie in a day is something I do not plan to pass up.


Daily thankfulness and an attitude of gratitude are important for a happy life. Gratitude or “the state of being grateful” would seem like a simple thing, unfortunately, there are way too many people that just do not get it.


When we place ourselves in a grateful state the world seems less burdensome and the future is brighter. I believe that anyone can dig deep no matter their current situation and find a reason to be grateful.


Not only does this state feel good but there are many studies which show people who live with a spirit of gratitude experience healthier and happier lives. This is one of the “duh” type revelations yet for some reason I do seem to find a lot of angry people.


What if the person flipping you off on the drive home were to instead focus on gratefulness about having a car rather than to be walking? Just having a car will put you in the top 10% of the world population. That is a pretty cool thing.


I see little items of gratitude as bricks to build my house of happiness. That is why I keep a list of my thanks. Over the years this list has grown and when I have a down moment I pull this list up and reflect on the hundreds of blessings I have captured. How in the world can I possibly feel down when there is so much good?


Some examples right from my list
  • Hugs
  • My wife’s smile
  • Dirt between my toes
  • Cookies
  • Mondays
  • Hope
  • My dog


My gratitude list is long and as I look at the words in most cases I can go back to when I added them and for just a few seconds return to that grateful moment.

So here’s the deal. Be thankful this week, eat your pie and enjoy the holiday. After, start a list and consider every day to be Thanksgiving. Happy is easier than bitter and far more fun.