Fatherhood

The time is now

~ David C.

The time is now

Conner is starting his final fall semester of college and will essentially be done with his degree at the end of this semester. The spring will bring his capstone class, graduation and the start of being fully on his own.

It is the dream of every parent for their child to grow up and exceed the life they have lived. We want our children to have an amazing life with a good job, a loving family, financial success, adventure, service to the community and a heart for God.

I grew up without strong dreams for all of these things and yet somehow ended up blessed to have much of them. Could I have done more and could I have been more? Absolutely! Nonetheless, we have done our best to live our lives as a positive example for our son and fully expect that he will move on to excel in his own way on his own journey.

The path to this point has not come without adversity. Conner is a survivor after having experienced the great trama of his cliff accident his senior year of high school. The scars of that time and the rods in his back will stay with him as a reminder that he is different. He is a miracle to be here. The blessing to have survived comes with a positive burden. It will serve him as a reminder of the frailty of life and the responsibility to live it with gusto. Thankfully, I know he understands this burden and will use his story to stay strong and to inspire others.

The truth is that the vast majority of people take the easy path and chose to be average. Being different is hard. It kind of sucks at times to skip the shiny object and instead stay out of debt while saving for a reward that is 20+ years away. It sucks at times to work the extra hours and put in the extra effort when others are just skating by and are getting the same benefits. It sucks at times to pass up time on the couch and instead hit the gym. It sucks at times to spend a day in service of others when instead you could be hanging out and just relaxing. It sucks at times to spend hours a week on your own learning in an effort to grow as a person.

Everything worth having and everything that leads to excellence takes effort and time.

For Conner, we have seen the positive desire to do the work, give the service, and live with a long term mindset during these college years. We have no doubt that his future will have many challenges and opportunities. We also have no doubt that he has the talent and the drive to make his dreams come true and live to the potential that has been intended by God.

I am so very thankful for this moment and for the blessing of being a father to an amazing son and a husband to an amazing wife.

The time is now and the future is bright.

I am Gladiator! How to know who you are.

~ David C.

Have you ever seen the movie, Gladiator? It is one of my all-time favorites and I have watched it many times. The lead character Maximus is one of those guys every man would wish to be. He is a true man’s man that is willing to die in the name of honor as he seeks to avenge the death of his beloved Emperor and family.

My favorite scene in the movie takes place as Maximus is standing in line with the other Gladiators awaiting his first fight in the grand coliseum of Rome. Slowly he rubs some soil in his hands and soon after a terrified man in front of him pees on himself out of fear.

There is no fear in the heart of Maximus. Instead, there is a steadfast resolve to face whatever challenge awaits on the other side of the gate.

Soon after the epic arena battle has been won the evil Emperor and murderer of his family asks “who are you?”

And here is his famous answer:

In many ways, I see this as a picture for the battle that is our lives. Every day we are stepping into an arena full of enemies and obstacles seeking our destruction. Every day is a battle to be faced and fought with full abandon.

The only way to win is to truly know with every inch of ourselves who we are and why we are here. Only then can we face it all with a conviction so strong that we would rather die than give up who God intended us to be.

At the end of my life, I want to die fully spent knowing that I gave it all for what was really important in this world.

I am Gladiator!

I am husband, father, and servant. I am passionate. I am positive. I am persistent. I connect people to success and I will win this day.

Do you know who you are?

Life after 50

~ David C.

There are many men that when they pass a certain age lose their way. Statistics show that divorce rates and depression for men after 50 are growing with male suicide rates now peaking after 50. Little is known as to the reason why but my best guess is that many men turn to this decade of life, join the empty nest then look around and say, “now what?”.

Looking back there were once dreams of big jobs, big houses, big bank accounts, and small waistlines. Instead for many men we look around and find life has not quite turned out as expected.

We think

“Retirement is coming but I have no plan”
“Our child-centered marriage has changed and left my wife and me with little in common”
“Our friends were based on our child circle and they have moved on”
“The job of my dreams is now just a grind”
“The body I see in the mirror is of an old man. The athlete in me is gone”

“Now what?”  “Now what?”

Most men by nature keep these deep fears to ourselves and avoid sharing. If not addressed properly these inner demons can grow toxic leading to despair, poor health and broken relationships.

Wake up, brothers! These can be the best of times as you dig deep into the new you. You can get on track to retire with dignity with some intense actions.  You can fall even more deeply in love with your wife as you discover the joy of pursuing her again. You can use your new time to find renewed joy in your current work or perhaps a new path to a dream you thought would never happen. You now can take time to honor your body with a turn to a new level of health.

The truth is that in this day with information and examples of success so easy to find there is no excuse for not educating ourselves, setting new goals and then taking massive action to make it happen.

Fifty and beyond does not mean life’s journey is coming to an end. Instead, it can be a time to spring into an even more fulfilling life. Make the decade of your 50s the best years of your life with even more joy to come.  Go for it!

Chasing Success

~ David C.
Many years ago when I was a young man new in the corporate world met a fellow that was just about to retire. I remember he was super old like 55 or something (I am 50 now) and had a plan to hike the Appalachian trail. I do not recall his position with the company but I am sure it was not an executive level or anything like that. 

Learning that I was a new parent, he decided to give me some advice on how to have a happy career and retire early. He told me a story about a high school friend of his at a recent reunion that had given him a hard time about not having climbed higher on the corporate ladder. 

“I congratulated him on his career success and then asked him a few questions” 
“How many times have you been married?”

The answer was 2

“How many kids do you have?” 

The answer was 3 with two from the first marriage and 1 from the current

“Do you pay alimony and child support”

“Yes”

“Do you see your kids every day?” 

“No, my first wife has remarried and lives in a different city” 

“Are you going to be able to retire on your own terms and with money in the bank?” 

You can kind of see where the conversation was going. My new buddy told me that early in life he set his priority to be the best husband and best father that he could be. He on purpose then passed on job opportunities and promotions that would have taken him away from his primary mission.

 In the organization, he was at this time, not a CEO or anything like that but he was a high-level manager with a lot of responsibility. He was also very respected by his team and I could tell was a solid leader.

He had a career that was well done.

Along the way, he lived a conservative lifestyle, gave of his time freely to others, and invested heavily in his family. The bonus reward for all these choices was just around the corner as he was about to embark on a grand adventure to follow his dreams. The man just oozed joy and this 20-minute conversation really changed my perspective on life. 

Twenty years later I still remember that conversation and the impact it had on me. Looking back I am happy with the choices I have made along the way with my family, finances, and career. Yes, there have been many mistakes along the way but overall life is good. Looking forward, we are on our way to our next stages of dreams and that path I pray will be as full of joy as that I saw in the face of this man.

Life is going to be full of choices, I learned on that day to decide who I wanted to be and to not pay a price for success by losing things that were far more important and long-lasting.

Know your values. Know your goals and never waiver.

How to write goals for success

~ David C.
If you read my previous post you understand the importance of goal setting to reach success. You must also be committed to joining the 9% club by following through with what you want to achieve.

Everyone is different and how you organize your goals need to be your own but I thought I would share what has worked for me over the years.
A Key thing to know is that goal setting is not a one-time event. Goals are to be in progress at all times and there is nothing wrong at all with having things that will take years to accomplish. This is why having them in writing and updated regularly will help you.
If you need a model for structuring your goal there is always the classic SMART format.
Specific–What do you want?
Measurable–How will you know you have achieved it?
Attainable–Is this goal even possible?
Relevant–Will the goal make a positive difference for you and/or others?
Time–when will you start, what are milestones along the way and when will you finish? (this is important)
I go a little extra by adding an E and an R.
E–what about this goal excites me so much that I am willing to make sacrifices and overcome the obstacles that will come my way?
R–what is the reward?  When the goal is accomplished and just as importantly when the goal is in progress what is going to be the outcome benefit of having gone through all this effort.
Breaking your goals down into great detail takes a lot of time but the long-term benefit to going through this process will help you see things to the end.
I also break my goals up into specific categories to ensure I have a well-rounded focus for the year. These categories are:
Faith–how will I grow this year to be closer to God and to serve others?
Family–how will I grow as a husband and as a father?
Career–how will I demonstrate excellence in my work to better serve those around me?
Finances–how will we keep our life debt free while building a future for retirement?
Fitness/health–how will I stay fit and healthy?
Fun–What adventure will we have for the year?
I know this can sound like a lot and I guess it is. However, since I have been using these same categories for many years and since I review these often, really after the first time subsequent years become simply tweaks.
If all this seems overwhelming I suggest you start with just one category and then dig deep into your SMARTER plan to make things happen. Once you see the results of this effort you will get motivated to expand your planning to every area of your life. Soon as you start checking off milestones along your journey you will meet your three new best friends–Mo, Men and Tum.
When they join your team. Nothing will stop you!
So what are you waiting for?

Transitioning to the Empty Nest

~ David C.
Our first empty nest trip together
2015 was a big year for us as it was the year our son graduated from high school and moved on to college leaving us as empty nesters. 
As the time approached my mind was filled with thoughts  about how our life and potentially our relationship would change. Our only child household had in many ways been centered on the life of our son with activities and the joy of having his friends around.
There are a lot of marriages that are held together by having the child in the middle. That is a great danger if not handled with care which can lead to couples falling apart after the children have gone. On the other side, there are marriages that post children move into a new season that is full of richness and of new adventure together. It can be the beginning of the best of times together as a couple. 
Six months into our empty nest life and our fear of the change has gradually abated. We have grown new relationship habits and continue to look forward to the future while not dwelling in the past. Life is indeed good and just getting better together all the time. 
Here are some key tips that have made the transition work for us.
Have your own life
A lot of couples are so centered on their children that once they are gone they a left with no identity of their own. They have no friends or hobbies or activities that did not center around the child. Key here is to start the transition in the years prior to the child leaving by taking stock in your current life what considering what life will be like once the kids are gone. Trust me that this is not hard since the last couple of years of high school are a blur especially after the driver’s license.
This is a time so encourage the child to do more on their own so they can be prepared for life away from home. Everything from doing their laundry, having a part time job, cooking, budgeting and being away without your guidance is good. The bonus is that you can use this time as a couple to do more together and plan for your future.
Communicate
This can be especially hard for us guys. Fellas you might find this hard to believe but your wife may not be feeling worse or better than you about the change. You will not know how she really feels unless you take some time to ask and just listen. The greatest gift you can give your wife during this transition is to just be present and allow her process her feelings about the change on her own schedule and in her own way. Asking and listening will ensure she knows you support and love her. 
Have a plan
There is nothing more energizing than having a plan for the future. It is the best tool for forward motivation because life is way better when excited about something you are going to do or have in the future. If you have never sat down as a couple and created a written plan for your future now it the time to do it. We broke our plan into categories including places to go, things to do, stuff to buy and financing our future. Make sure to have short term as well as long term goals and things that are big dreams as well as things that are simple possibilities.
Get back to basics
Men this is a time for sure to take stock in yourself and your efforts in the relationship. Perhaps you have been a little lax with being a partner around the house. It might be time to pick up some more responsibility with things as simple as grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.
Show your wife through your actions and words that you think she is more beautiful and more wonderful than even in the early days of your relationship. Make effort to praise her and to tell her how much you are looking forward to spending the rest of your life with her. It is okay if your life with kids made you strangers to each other. Perhaps it is just time to “date” again and experience the excitement of new beginnings with your spouse.

Yes the transition to the empty nest is a big change but with just a little work and a positive outlook it can be the start of your greatest season yet. 

Hyperconnected and still alone

~ David C.
The way we connect to information and to each other has been revolutionized over the last several years. This has come about thanks to the advance of mobile communication devices and social sites like Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, Blogger, Periscope and on and on. 
We are socially connected more than ever before in history with our fancy devices fundamentally changing the way we communicate. The sad part is that social automation and other technologies are in many cases not bringing people together. For many, it is instead creating an inverse effect with possible “friends” in the thousands but in reality no real relationships.
I am a man. You may be one as well. As men, we are especially at risk to fall into the trap of loneliness and isolation. We are manly men and we are not expected to ever express feelings, show pain or step away from our role of responsibility leading our family from the front into the battles of life. Sure times have changed to soften much of this for many but the reality is that most of us are just hard wired to be closed emotionally and to press on no matter what we are facing.
The results can be devastating as men struggle and find unhealthy outlets for their disconnected loneliness. Emotional detachment from family, affairs, addictions to porn, and alcohol abuse are just a few of the unfortunate outcomes.
Even less talked about is suicide rates among men. Men commit suicide at a rate that is 4X higher than woman and in the US men account for 79% of all suicides. These numbers do not include unreported attempts.
As men what can we learn from all of this? I believe that we must recognize the importance of having a male confidant in our lives. A person that we can have a meaningful and still masculine relationship that allows for openness and sharing. It can be uncomfortable to have truly deep and meaningful conversations with another dude and that is why for most of us this needs to happen while also doing manly things. 
Think being in the outdoors hiking, hunting, chopping wood, building something or just plain doing manly stuff. We are not sit around a smelly candle sipping wine kind of people.
Men let me challenge you to reach out and make a change. You just might save a marriage or even save a life. 

Time to let go

~ David C.
August was big for us as our only child left the house to begin a new life in college. This event had loomed for a long time and to be honest I was not really sure of what would be my reaction.
Excitement? Depression? Fear?
The possibilities were broad and fortunately the realities turned out to be mostly positive for us. His excitement was completely contagious and I could not help but smile on my way home thinking of him back in the dorm room with this great next big step into adulthood. He said he could not wait to ask friends over to see his “place.”
The reality is that moving on and growing up is a good thing and being human there is nothing wrong with parents experiencing all the stages of separation that is expected. You name an emotion and I have most likely felt it over these last several weeks as we prepared for the big day.
I have tried my best all these years to be the father to my son that I never experienced as a child. I tried to be there for him when he needed me. I tried to be a loving example as a husband so that he would have a model to follow in his own marriage. I tried to love God and show how to have a foundation of faith. I tried to spend time serving others to show life is not all about me. I tried to encourage him to be independent as a thinker and a person so that he could make choices establish his own beliefs. I tried to teach him about money by avoiding extravagances and keeping out of debt.
Most of all—I tried
Looking back I know there were many things in my list of perfect parenting where I failed. There are things I wish I had done more and things I has wish I had done less.
However
Now is not the time to look in the past or dwell on the should haves. Instead now is the time to look forward to the future and have confidence that we set a solid foundation that will serve him through his future failures and success.
I know his mother and I will miss him but the future of seeing the ongoing result of all these years as he discovers his own way is even more exciting to ponder.
He just better not forget that the door is always open for a return to the Copeland house and I am sure I will still slip him a twenty when mom is not looking.

Good luck son! 

Time to burn the boats?

~ David C.
Ever seen the movie Hunt for Red October? It is one on my favorite of all time.
Early in the movie Captain Ramious during a gathering of his officers rather casually informs them that he has left a letter with the Soviet high command informing them of their plan to defect to the United States and turnover their high tech submarine. The officers are enraged as they know this will bring the entire Soviet fleet down on them in an effort to destroy the ship and prevent the defection.
Next, Sean Connery in that famous accent of his tells the legend of Cortez and his arrival to the new world. As the story goes, in 1519 Cortez with 500 men and 11 ships traveled to the South America intending to conquer and capture treasure.
Cortez knew this was going to be a great challenge for his men and decided to take action in a way that would ensure complete engagement of his army. He left them with no alternative other than complete success. He ordered them to burn the boats. As Captain Ramious so eloquently frames it in the movie, this left his men “highly motivated”
Too seldom in our lives do we decide as Cortez did to throw away all fear of success and burn the boats. Instead we let our fear and our focus on past failed attempts keep us from fully living life as it should be lived.
 

As we move into a new season of change with another year nearing a close, I want to challenge you to burn the boats and never look back. Just imagine what you will accomplish. 

Hello Senior Year

~ David C.
Well here we go. It is the start of the senior year for Conner and of course I know it will go by fast. It is almost cliché to talk about how time flies but these 17 years have gone by in a blink of an eye.
I am little reflective now thinking back to the parent I have been for him. Regrets? Yes I do have some and can think of many ways I could have been a better father.
I do not regret for a moment the choices we made to live our lives centered around being as good of parents we could and supporting our child with time together. Sure, Michelle and I could have thrown everything at climbing the corporate ladder and chasing stuff. The result may have been a bigger house, fancier vacations and newer cars. But at what price for these things? 
They mean nothing if it leads to a debt of regret for missed opportunities in the short 18 years we got to spend time with this great guy. 
Having lost our father’s at young ages, Michelle and I both have fully understood the privilege of being mom and dad.  
I know in my heart that Conner has the foundation he needs to be a success. I am not talking success in career necessarily. Yes he has big dreams in that area. I am talking the area that really counts and that is success as a man of integrity and as a servant of God.

Thank you Conner for bringing so much joy to our lives. Your future is bright no matter where it is going to lead you.