Parenting

Chasing Success

~ David C.
Many years ago when I was a young man new in the corporate world met a fellow that was just about to retire. I remember he was super old like 55 or something (I am 50 now) and had a plan to hike the Appalachian trail. I do not recall his position with the company but I am sure it was not an executive level or anything like that. 

Learning that I was a new parent, he decided to give me some advice on how to have a happy career and retire early. He told me a story about a high school friend of his at a recent reunion that had given him a hard time about not having climbed higher on the corporate ladder. 

“I congratulated him on his career success and then asked him a few questions” 
“How many times have you been married?”

The answer was 2

“How many kids do you have?” 

The answer was 3 with two from the first marriage and 1 from the current

“Do you pay alimony and child support”

“Yes”

“Do you see your kids every day?” 

“No, my first wife has remarried and lives in a different city” 

“Are you going to be able to retire on your own terms and with money in the bank?” 

You can kind of see where the conversation was going. My new buddy told me that early in life he set his priority to be the best husband and best father that he could be. He on purpose then passed on job opportunities and promotions that would have taken him away from his primary mission.

 In the organization, he was at this time, not a CEO or anything like that but he was a high-level manager with a lot of responsibility. He was also very respected by his team and I could tell was a solid leader.

He had a career that was well done.

Along the way, he lived a conservative lifestyle, gave of his time freely to others, and invested heavily in his family. The bonus reward for all these choices was just around the corner as he was about to embark on a grand adventure to follow his dreams. The man just oozed joy and this 20-minute conversation really changed my perspective on life. 

Twenty years later I still remember that conversation and the impact it had on me. Looking back I am happy with the choices I have made along the way with my family, finances, and career. Yes, there have been many mistakes along the way but overall life is good. Looking forward, we are on our way to our next stages of dreams and that path I pray will be as full of joy as that I saw in the face of this man.

Life is going to be full of choices, I learned on that day to decide who I wanted to be and to not pay a price for success by losing things that were far more important and long-lasting.

Know your values. Know your goals and never waiver.

How to write goals for success

~ David C.
If you read my previous post you understand the importance of goal setting to reach success. You must also be committed to joining the 9% club by following through with what you want to achieve.

Everyone is different and how you organize your goals need to be your own but I thought I would share what has worked for me over the years.
A Key thing to know is that goal setting is not a one-time event. Goals are to be in progress at all times and there is nothing wrong at all with having things that will take years to accomplish. This is why having them in writing and updated regularly will help you.
If you need a model for structuring your goal there is always the classic SMART format.
Specific–What do you want?
Measurable–How will you know you have achieved it?
Attainable–Is this goal even possible?
Relevant–Will the goal make a positive difference for you and/or others?
Time–when will you start, what are milestones along the way and when will you finish? (this is important)
I go a little extra by adding an E and an R.
E–what about this goal excites me so much that I am willing to make sacrifices and overcome the obstacles that will come my way?
R–what is the reward?  When the goal is accomplished and just as importantly when the goal is in progress what is going to be the outcome benefit of having gone through all this effort.
Breaking your goals down into great detail takes a lot of time but the long-term benefit to going through this process will help you see things to the end.
I also break my goals up into specific categories to ensure I have a well-rounded focus for the year. These categories are:
Faith–how will I grow this year to be closer to God and to serve others?
Family–how will I grow as a husband and as a father?
Career–how will I demonstrate excellence in my work to better serve those around me?
Finances–how will we keep our life debt free while building a future for retirement?
Fitness/health–how will I stay fit and healthy?
Fun–What adventure will we have for the year?
I know this can sound like a lot and I guess it is. However, since I have been using these same categories for many years and since I review these often, really after the first time subsequent years become simply tweaks.
If all this seems overwhelming I suggest you start with just one category and then dig deep into your SMARTER plan to make things happen. Once you see the results of this effort you will get motivated to expand your planning to every area of your life. Soon as you start checking off milestones along your journey you will meet your three new best friends–Mo, Men and Tum.
When they join your team. Nothing will stop you!
So what are you waiting for?

Transitioning to the Empty Nest

~ David C.
Our first empty nest trip together
2015 was a big year for us as it was the year our son graduated from high school and moved on to college leaving us as empty nesters. 
As the time approached my mind was filled with thoughts  about how our life and potentially our relationship would change. Our only child household had in many ways been centered on the life of our son with activities and the joy of having his friends around.
There are a lot of marriages that are held together by having the child in the middle. That is a great danger if not handled with care which can lead to couples falling apart after the children have gone. On the other side, there are marriages that post children move into a new season that is full of richness and of new adventure together. It can be the beginning of the best of times together as a couple. 
Six months into our empty nest life and our fear of the change has gradually abated. We have grown new relationship habits and continue to look forward to the future while not dwelling in the past. Life is indeed good and just getting better together all the time. 
Here are some key tips that have made the transition work for us.
Have your own life
A lot of couples are so centered on their children that once they are gone they a left with no identity of their own. They have no friends or hobbies or activities that did not center around the child. Key here is to start the transition in the years prior to the child leaving by taking stock in your current life what considering what life will be like once the kids are gone. Trust me that this is not hard since the last couple of years of high school are a blur especially after the driver’s license.
This is a time so encourage the child to do more on their own so they can be prepared for life away from home. Everything from doing their laundry, having a part time job, cooking, budgeting and being away without your guidance is good. The bonus is that you can use this time as a couple to do more together and plan for your future.
Communicate
This can be especially hard for us guys. Fellas you might find this hard to believe but your wife may not be feeling worse or better than you about the change. You will not know how she really feels unless you take some time to ask and just listen. The greatest gift you can give your wife during this transition is to just be present and allow her process her feelings about the change on her own schedule and in her own way. Asking and listening will ensure she knows you support and love her. 
Have a plan
There is nothing more energizing than having a plan for the future. It is the best tool for forward motivation because life is way better when excited about something you are going to do or have in the future. If you have never sat down as a couple and created a written plan for your future now it the time to do it. We broke our plan into categories including places to go, things to do, stuff to buy and financing our future. Make sure to have short term as well as long term goals and things that are big dreams as well as things that are simple possibilities.
Get back to basics
Men this is a time for sure to take stock in yourself and your efforts in the relationship. Perhaps you have been a little lax with being a partner around the house. It might be time to pick up some more responsibility with things as simple as grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.
Show your wife through your actions and words that you think she is more beautiful and more wonderful than even in the early days of your relationship. Make effort to praise her and to tell her how much you are looking forward to spending the rest of your life with her. It is okay if your life with kids made you strangers to each other. Perhaps it is just time to “date” again and experience the excitement of new beginnings with your spouse.

Yes the transition to the empty nest is a big change but with just a little work and a positive outlook it can be the start of your greatest season yet. 

Hyperconnected and still alone

~ David C.
The way we connect to information and to each other has been revolutionized over the last several years. This has come about thanks to the advance of mobile communication devices and social sites like Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, Blogger, Periscope and on and on. 
We are socially connected more than ever before in history with our fancy devices fundamentally changing the way we communicate. The sad part is that social automation and other technologies are in many cases not bringing people together. For many, it is instead creating an inverse effect with possible “friends” in the thousands but in reality no real relationships.
I am a man. You may be one as well. As men, we are especially at risk to fall into the trap of loneliness and isolation. We are manly men and we are not expected to ever express feelings, show pain or step away from our role of responsibility leading our family from the front into the battles of life. Sure times have changed to soften much of this for many but the reality is that most of us are just hard wired to be closed emotionally and to press on no matter what we are facing.
The results can be devastating as men struggle and find unhealthy outlets for their disconnected loneliness. Emotional detachment from family, affairs, addictions to porn, and alcohol abuse are just a few of the unfortunate outcomes.
Even less talked about is suicide rates among men. Men commit suicide at a rate that is 4X higher than woman and in the US men account for 79% of all suicides. These numbers do not include unreported attempts.
As men what can we learn from all of this? I believe that we must recognize the importance of having a male confidant in our lives. A person that we can have a meaningful and still masculine relationship that allows for openness and sharing. It can be uncomfortable to have truly deep and meaningful conversations with another dude and that is why for most of us this needs to happen while also doing manly things. 
Think being in the outdoors hiking, hunting, chopping wood, building something or just plain doing manly stuff. We are not sit around a smelly candle sipping wine kind of people.
Men let me challenge you to reach out and make a change. You just might save a marriage or even save a life. 

Time to let go

~ David C.
August was big for us as our only child left the house to begin a new life in college. This event had loomed for a long time and to be honest I was not really sure of what would be my reaction.
Excitement? Depression? Fear?
The possibilities were broad and fortunately the realities turned out to be mostly positive for us. His excitement was completely contagious and I could not help but smile on my way home thinking of him back in the dorm room with this great next big step into adulthood. He said he could not wait to ask friends over to see his “place.”
The reality is that moving on and growing up is a good thing and being human there is nothing wrong with parents experiencing all the stages of separation that is expected. You name an emotion and I have most likely felt it over these last several weeks as we prepared for the big day.
I have tried my best all these years to be the father to my son that I never experienced as a child. I tried to be there for him when he needed me. I tried to be a loving example as a husband so that he would have a model to follow in his own marriage. I tried to love God and show how to have a foundation of faith. I tried to spend time serving others to show life is not all about me. I tried to encourage him to be independent as a thinker and a person so that he could make choices establish his own beliefs. I tried to teach him about money by avoiding extravagances and keeping out of debt.
Most of all—I tried
Looking back I know there were many things in my list of perfect parenting where I failed. There are things I wish I had done more and things I has wish I had done less.
However
Now is not the time to look in the past or dwell on the should haves. Instead now is the time to look forward to the future and have confidence that we set a solid foundation that will serve him through his future failures and success.
I know his mother and I will miss him but the future of seeing the ongoing result of all these years as he discovers his own way is even more exciting to ponder.
He just better not forget that the door is always open for a return to the Copeland house and I am sure I will still slip him a twenty when mom is not looking.

Good luck son! 

Goodbye 2014

~ David C.
As years go, 2014 is going to go down as one of my most challenging yet. It began in early January as I stepped on the scale and came to the stark realization that my weight was right at the tip of my limit. The preceding months had been difficult with work experiencing a time of layoffs again and my health being impacted by pain in my knees which in turn had led to a complete lack of exercise and a visit to the cellar off my internal motivation.


Looking ahead to the New Year, I knew I had to take control of my life and not let another 12 months go by that I would look into the mirror with regret. I had great optimism knowing the year was set to be full of several wonderful milestones. This was the year we were going to be debt free, experience high adventure in Canada, see the start of Conner’s senior year and begin the transition to being an empty nester. I had no idea at the time that it would bring another layoff at work and a family crisis at a level we had never experienced before.


Taking control of my health again by eating properly was the first step to my comeback. Soon the weight was coming off and amazingly my knees were pain free. By early spring I had experienced a 20 plus pound weight loss and we had met our goal of being 100% debt free.


There was some positive momentum for sure.


Summer was amazing as I traveled to Canada with the Scouts and thanks in part to my renewed health had a terrific time canoeing over 90 miles with my son and some and a great group of Scouts. We had an adventure of a lifetime and every minute was a treasure.


I quickly appreciated the debt free life as out of nowhere there was several thousand dollars in car expenses for unexpected repairs. Frustrating for sure but then again still cheaper than car payments.


Fall approached and so did the start of Conner’s Sr. year. I had been kidding for several months that I would cry at every event since I would know each was a “last” but thankfully that did not happen and instead Michelle and I soaked it all in savoring every moment.


Then the year ended with unexpected stress. Even though we had experienced a layoff as recently as March, the company decided it was needed again with an even bigger cut. I have been through these many times and they are never easy. Thanks to being debt free, knowledge that I would have a generous severance package and knowing all my big father/son trips were now in the past, my stress level for this round was high but not as high as in 2013.


Well that was until the accident. While on a school leadership retreat, my son had an accident falling off a cliff. The news was terrifying as we learned he had shattered one vertebra, fractured another, broken a bone in his foot, broken his jaw and had slightly collapsed a lung. He was very lucky to be alive.


A hospitalized child along with a layoff in progress made for a stress cocktail that was incredibly hard to digest. However, the accident also brought forth an outpouring of love and support from people that was overwhelming and impossible to describe. Family, friends and even strangers shared prayers and kindness that uplifted our family in this time of great need. Our family strength and faith and God also rose to bind us through this situation.


Together we have pressed on and as the year comes to a close I can say we are stronger, closer and more appreciative of this world than ever before. Triumphs help us see the rewards of our faithfulness while tragedies amazingly do the same as well. I am reminded again that you really cannot appreciate one without also experiencing the other.

It looks like 2015 is going to be a watershed year as well. What will it bring? I do not have any idea. What I do know without a doubt is that I will remember that with faith, love, family and friends we will face every challenge. It is going to be a great year for sure.

Hello Senior Year

~ David C.
Well here we go. It is the start of the senior year for Conner and of course I know it will go by fast. It is almost cliché to talk about how time flies but these 17 years have gone by in a blink of an eye.
I am little reflective now thinking back to the parent I have been for him. Regrets? Yes I do have some and can think of many ways I could have been a better father.
I do not regret for a moment the choices we made to live our lives centered around being as good of parents we could and supporting our child with time together. Sure, Michelle and I could have thrown everything at climbing the corporate ladder and chasing stuff. The result may have been a bigger house, fancier vacations and newer cars. But at what price for these things? 
They mean nothing if it leads to a debt of regret for missed opportunities in the short 18 years we got to spend time with this great guy. 
Having lost our father’s at young ages, Michelle and I both have fully understood the privilege of being mom and dad.  
I know in my heart that Conner has the foundation he needs to be a success. I am not talking success in career necessarily. Yes he has big dreams in that area. I am talking the area that really counts and that is success as a man of integrity and as a servant of God.

Thank you Conner for bringing so much joy to our lives. Your future is bright no matter where it is going to lead you. 

Get over it: There is no such thing as work/life balance

~ David C.
“I am so sorry. I was off a few days on vacation with my family and did not keep up with e-mail.”

This was the opening comment from a manager I met with recently. Later in the day while in another meeting I asked a manager peer about her recent time off.

Me—“How was your vacation?”
Person—“Good but I did not do any work!” “I am so behind!”
Such is the life of exempt level employees and especially managers. We find ways to leave work but work never leaves us.
Our competitive work culture creates added pressure as time away can mean missed opportunities to contribute to key projects. This can lead to a perception of low value which in turn later can lead you to being the person selected for the next layoff. Not necessarily true but that is what many people think as they ponder time away from work.
Now let’s add to all of this the new hyper connected world we live in. Thanks to phones and tablets we are now connected to work 24×7. There is no excuse at all to miss that important e-mail update, project meeting maker or big data result.
For these reasons and more I have come to the clear conclusion there is no such thing as work life balance. I do not even like the term as I think it is deviously deceptive. The word “balance” creates a false hope that work and life is a 50/50 proposition. Striving for that level of balance can create far too much undo angst.
The solution I have worked out over the years is situational priority management.
I am successful in my work life because I recognize when it is time to turn it on, dig in and bust my butt to enable great results. There are times when this will require 60 hour weeks and 12 hours days and that is okay.
I am successful in my family life because I recognize when it is time to turn work off, get out and bust a move to enable great connections with my wife and teen son. When on vacation, I commit to being fully present with the family resisting the urge to work and by trusting those on my team to make the most of their empowerment.
As a father and a husband, I know that family is forever and if I am to be successful in the most important role God has given me I have to be deliberate with my time both as a parent and as a work professional. Success in one area can indeed lead to success in another.

Yes you can make everything work by managing priorities and by not letting things get out of whack forever. It is okay to have 60+ hour work weeks. The problem comes when the norm becomes all work and no family. 
Remember, jobs are temporary but your family should be permanent! There will be times when you have to sacrifice in one area to have success in another. The key is just to recognize this, be deliberate and live guilt free in each with proper priority management. 

So dump the guilt, forget balance and strive for success instead. It is possible to win at home and at work. 

Is college required for you to find “it”?

~ David C.
You always have some students who say, ‘I don’t want to go to college; But they don’t realize whatever it is in life, they need to go to college for it.” Martin Copland (no relation to me)
This is a quote I read recently in an article about plans to encourage more students to attend college out of high school. The quote was from a high school guidance counselor.
First as a parent of a high school junior I want to make it very clear that we strongly believe the path to our son’s lifelong career success will pass through college. We are blessed that he already has decided his future career and is working now to ensure he is gaining skills that will help him in college and beyond.
I also understand and recognize that the evidence clearly shows that college graduates over a lifetime will have a higher income and experience many other benefits.
With all of this in mind, I nonetheless could not help but get angry over the quote. I just hate to think of the poor kid with a dream to work with his hands and make a good living as a mechanic, welder or in a manufacturing industry having a dream crushed by such a statement.
College is outrageously expensive and there are many kids that go just because it is the right thing to do and years later find themselves in thousands of dollars of debt. Many graduate with soft degrees that give them no real skills for the marketplace or worse yet due to not knowing what they want they leave no degree at all due to having dropped out of school.(and still thousand of dollars in debt)
Wake up folks!  There are plenty of options for the young person not seeking to go to college. The key is to provide them with support and guidance to find the right fit for who they can be.
Need some ideas?  Here is an article about forty high paying jobs that do not require a degree.
What do you think?  Can someone be a success without going right to college after high school? Is it possible to effectively encourage kids to attend college while also encouraging the non-college bound kid to find a good career? 
Rant over….
Oh and by the way, I am very thankful to live here in Oklahoma where we have extensive help for kids dreaming of College thanks to the Oklahoma Promise program. Our school district is helping to make the process even easier by providing better and free access to the ACT test. We also have one of the nation’s best career tech programs for many non-college options. 

How we became 100% debt free

~ David C.

Last month our family achieved an important milestone in our lives. We dropped in the mail our final house payment to become 100% debt free!

I have to be honest. Much of my obsession over saving and being debt free has been driven by a fear of the future.  What would my family do if the cancer were to come back? What burden would I leave them? How would my son go to college? What happens if I were to lose my job?
Sometimes fear can be a good thing if in end the end it brings hope.
So how did we get here?  It is far easier than you might think.
Don’t buy stuff you can’t afford!             
Sounds like common sense doesn’t it? Common sense unfortunately is just not common practice for most people.  Key here is having discernment between what you need to have and would like to have. If you don’t have the money just don’t buy it. Pretty simple huh?
Live below your means! 
When we were looking for our house I remember seeing many homes for sale from people our age who were clearly over their heads. It was easy to tell these folks by the leftover college furniture and yards with no fence. As the Realtor would push us to what the bank said we could buy we pushed back and stuck to our goals.
Save, save and save some more!
The key here is consistency and commitment. One of the best strategies is to set up automatic saving through your 401K and other auto savings options. It is easier not to spend money you never had and a good savings ensures you are ready for the emergencies in life.
Really the ultimate key to our debt free success it that Michelle and I are completely on the same page with our financial goals and we have been willing to think long term vs going for the fun of the moment.
What a feeling it is to know we can now start to build a legacy and no matter what the world may throw at us. We are prepared.
You can do it too! Just start small and begin right away.
Need some education?  I would highly recommend Dave Ramsey as his talk show and philosophy have influence us greatly. Follow his baby steps plan and you too can be debt free!