Marriage

How to cheat your wife

~ David C.

I met my wife over 26 years ago as a result of a blind date and our 24 year anniversary of marriage was last week.

 
That simple lunchtime together led to more dates, marriage, a child and wonderful life that has had its fair share of ups and downs. Through it all, I have striven to be as good of a partner and a husband as I can. I have often failed to live up to my own standards and have tried to take in my inner lessons to be better with every year.

It is almost cliche’ for some guys to joke about having married up but I can tell you for sure that is the case for me. I often feel unworthy of this woman I get to spend my days with and want to ensure I am doing my best to live up to being the man she deserves.

This week is the start of our 25th year of marriage and a good time to reflect back on what has made our marriage a success and mistakes I have made along the way. It takes a proactive effort to live a life together that thrives through the grind of day to day living and serves as a positive example for those around you.

I do not want to cheat my wife.

As long as we are going to be together until death do us part I want this life to be a good one filled with joy, satisfaction, and success. As I have thought about this deeply over the years there are five ways I want to be sure and not cheat her. My inner expectational failures have fortunately served as important lessons. If these ways to cheat are common to me, they may be common to you as well.

Want to know how to cheat your wife out of being her best and out of having the kind of man she deserves?

Don’t support her dreams

Fellas, it may surprise some of us to learn that the world does not completely revolve around you. Our wives have dreams too.

They could be career goals to find amazing success in high levels of leadership, they may be dreams of travel to exotic locations in far off lands. She may want to write a book or start a company. You will never know unless to simply just ask the question and then listen. Support her dreams and be active to help them come true.

Don’t live as partners

The Leave It To Beever days of the man coming home with dinner on the table and then time with a paper while the Mrs. diligently works away cleaning, changing diapers, shopping for groceries and taking care of every child issue all while wearing a pretty dress and pearl is long gone.

Make absolutely sure that you are part of family inc through your assistance around the house and with everything you can do together. I have no skill when it comes to loading the dishwasher correctly but I am a master vacuumer and moper.

A key partnership here is also around finances. Money issues are one of the top causes for divorce so it is critical that you have complete transparency in your finances and that you are working together on your get out of debt and save for the future goals. Separate accounts send a message that this is mine and that is yours. No, it is all ours. Even if the “yours” is debt or issues that were there before the marriage. Be of one in everything.

Don’t continue to pursue her

You were pretty awesome back in the day. Remember when you worked to look and be your best as you perused this person? You wore sharp clothes on dates, combed your hair, worked out to look good, and most importantly put on the charm.

Then you got married and suddenly all of this ended.

Quite often while out I will see a couple having a nice dinner. One is dressed to kill with a flattering outfit, hair done just right and an overall nice look. The fella, on the other hand, appears to have just rolled out of bed, thrown on a raggedy shirt, and has put no thought at all into the self-marketing to the wonder woman sitting across the table.

It is important that we never stop pursuing each other. 

 
Remind her often how beautiful she is and tell her that you love her. It does not take a lot of effort to surprise her with some flowers you pick up on the way home, a card hidden in a drawer, or even that random text letting her know you are thinking of how great she is. Key here is to not do anything because you want something in return for the attention you are giving. You are doing this to lift her up and to make sure she knows you love her as much or more than when you started together.

If you have children, be public with this praise by sharing in front of them why you think your partner is so wonderful. Remember, you are modeling how they will treat their own partner someday in the future.

Don’t let her have her own life

Women are far more social than most men. This means they may have friends away from your circle or perhaps hobbies that have no interest at all to you. Hey, that is okay! She needs to be free to be her own person and have her own interests. Encourage the hobby, the book club, the girls night out and make sure she can do these things without any feelings of guilt coming from you.

On the inverse, be respectful with your own interests to ensure you have a balance to make sure whatever it is you do does not dominate your time taking you away from your responsibilities.

Don’t honor her when she is not around

This, my friends, is very important and something every man should strive to do at all times.

One of the best definitions of integrity is what we do when no one is watching. Our thoughts, our actions, and our behavior matter at all times and this is especially true with our relationships. It may seem harmless to vent about your wife to your co-workers. It may seem harmless to click on that website or watch that movie when she is not around. It may seem harmless to watch the beautiful lady as she strolls by.

Smalls steps can quietly lead to roads you do not want to travel. Be better and don’t sway a bit. Ask yourself this. If she were here or if she could read your mind would your actions make her proud?

And for sure, never, ever, put down your partner in front of in conversations with your child.

Final thoughts

What about you? Are you a wife cheater? What are some areas where you feel you could improve to ensure you are not cheating your way out of the marriage that God intended for you to have?

Leave a comment to share with others.

The time is now

~ David C.

The time is now

Conner is starting his final fall semester of college and will essentially be done with his degree at the end of this semester. The spring will bring his capstone class, graduation and the start of being fully on his own.

It is the dream of every parent for their child to grow up and exceed the life they have lived. We want our children to have an amazing life with a good job, a loving family, financial success, adventure, service to the community and a heart for God.

I grew up without strong dreams for all of these things and yet somehow ended up blessed to have much of them. Could I have done more and could I have been more? Absolutely! Nonetheless, we have done our best to live our lives as a positive example for our son and fully expect that he will move on to excel in his own way on his own journey.

The path to this point has not come without adversity. Conner is a survivor after having experienced the great trama of his cliff accident his senior year of high school. The scars of that time and the rods in his back will stay with him as a reminder that he is different. He is a miracle to be here. The blessing to have survived comes with a positive burden. It will serve him as a reminder of the frailty of life and the responsibility to live it with gusto. Thankfully, I know he understands this burden and will use his story to stay strong and to inspire others.

The truth is that the vast majority of people take the easy path and chose to be average. Being different is hard. It kind of sucks at times to skip the shiny object and instead stay out of debt while saving for a reward that is 20+ years away. It sucks at times to work the extra hours and put in the extra effort when others are just skating by and are getting the same benefits. It sucks at times to pass up time on the couch and instead hit the gym. It sucks at times to spend a day in service of others when instead you could be hanging out and just relaxing. It sucks at times to spend hours a week on your own learning in an effort to grow as a person.

Everything worth having and everything that leads to excellence takes effort and time.

For Conner, we have seen the positive desire to do the work, give the service, and live with a long term mindset during these college years. We have no doubt that his future will have many challenges and opportunities. We also have no doubt that he has the talent and the drive to make his dreams come true and live to the potential that has been intended by God.

I am so very thankful for this moment and for the blessing of being a father to an amazing son and a husband to an amazing wife.

The time is now and the future is bright.

Hello My Name Is…..

~ David C.
Hello my name is…..
Regret, stupid, mistake, loser, ugly, fat, defeat
For many people the labels we wear in our hearts about who or what we think we really are can be completely debilitating. Many are self-created for no real reason at all while others are the result of false assessments placed on us through the ignorance and meanness of others.
I am 46 yet in my head on bad day I can see very clearly the time as a second or third grader when in a moment of self defeat I etched “dummie” on  a brick outside the west side of our house. That moment and that word haunted me for years as not only did it continue to echo in my head but later I realized it would not come off the brick. I had created a false label. 
I think we all do this. We etch labels so deeply in our hearts that we just can’t seem to remove them. Then for some to feel better they transfer these labels to others in an effort to feel better.  I know way too many people that hate themselves and then in turn spend too much time pulling down the world around them.
I will be taller by making those around me smaller.
As Matthew West so successfully reminds us in his song we are not in many cases who we might think. Do not believe the lies. You (and I) have been placed on this world for a reason.
You can and will make a difference for your future. You can leave your past behind.
Hello
Person of influence
Successful employee
Go getter
Loving parent
Devoted spouse
Faithful servant of God

It is wonderful to meet you. 
What is your label?  

Praying for the future Mrs Copeland

~ David C.

Conner is 16 now and it seems lately I have been thinking more and more about his future. What kind of man will he be? How will he do in college? Will his dream of becoming a petroleum engineer come true? Will he go on to have a big house, nice car and fat bank account?

That stuff is all well and good but the bottom line really is that I just want him to be a Godly man and happy person no matter what path he takes to get there. I also hope that he is blessed to find a great woman to be his wife and partner through life’s journey.
It is kind of surreal to think that his future wife is out there now. This week she will go to class, hang out with friends and I am sure spend a bunch of time texting. She is also daily making choices and developing relationship skills that will impact her and Conner’s future. The teen years are the most formative in determining who we become in the future.
Right now she is learning what it means to be part of a family.  Her parents could be married, they could be divorced, they could be loving or they could be jerks. Either way they are serving as her example.
Right now she is learning what it means to be a friend. Her circle could be supportive, they could be partiers, they could be bookworms, they could be a bunch of duds. Either way these are the friends that will have the greatest long term influence on her.
Right now she is learning what it means to be a girlfriend. Chances are she has boyfriend, has had a boyfriend or wants a boyfriend. Either way she most likely has in her heart an image of what it means to be in love and how the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship works.

This future Mrs. Copeland is unknown to me by name but God in his providence has already destined her to find Conner someday.

It is for this reason that I have begun to add Conner’s future wife to my prayers. Not every day by any means but quite regularly I pray for her as if she is already part of the family. I pray for her success, her health, her choices, her relationships and her love for God.
At home, I am also always cognitive that my life is the example for Conner as to how he will treat his Mrs. Copeland someday. Michelle and I are his example much more by what we do as opposed to what we say.
It is important as parents that we realize every day that we are the model that will be followed.
Do you want your child to grow into a happy and God centered marriage? Give them the best chance by living it yourself.
And while at it, why not go ahead and pray for the unknown to you yet future family member.

I sincerely believe it will make a positive difference.

And to you future Mrs. Copeland

Someday in the future we will talk on your wedding day.  I can’t wait to hold your hand, look into your eyes and tell you that we have loved you and prayed for you long before you were even known to us. Even today I know you are amazing.






 

S.T.O.P

~ David C.

In my role as a Scout volunteer, I recently had chance to learn a little about techniques to use in a crises situation as part of the Wilderness Survival merit badge. There was something about the STOP model in the training that struck me as valuable for my personal life as well.

The point of the discussion was that often when people get lost there is panic which in turn ends up making the situation worse. There are many examples of people that in crises decided to blaze a way out of danger situations by panicking and running through the woods. These folks soon find themselves in even more despair, lost and alone.

I realize now that I often make this same error as a parent, husband and manager. Like many others, I see a problem and I want to immediately jump to a solution. Men are notorious about solution jumping when our wives bring a problem.

How different might the outcome be however if I simply followed this model instead.

Sit=Find some time alone in a quiet place to…

Think=What really is the issue here? Sometimes the mind can race so quickly with a fight or flight response that we need to consciously slow things down so that we can….

Observe=Many of the problems we face are simply situational and temporary. They could also be indicators of something deeper that needs to be examined.

This might be a good time to break out a pen and paper (yes they do still make these) and write down what you are feeling about problem. Have you felt this way before? What has worked in the past? How have others handled a similar problem? It is highly unlikely that you will experience any issues in life that someone else has not experienced and found a way to overcome.

Plan=Now finally with all of your facts straight and your situation assessed it is time to map out a plan for survival.

Next time you are in crises just STOP and perhaps you will find a better result!

Being Present for the Holidays

~ David C.

The holidays are here and many people will take end of the year vacation time away from work to be with family and friends. My company has a use it or lose it policy and I have several peers that are taking days and still losing time.

I know that many folks that are technically off will still find themselves working every day by responding to e-mails, attending meetings and checking performance numbers. Managers are important people with many others depending upon them. At the same time, I think there is no more important job than that of a mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, brother, sister and friend.

Jobs are temporary but your family should be forever.

It took me a long time to learn this lesson and realize that it was hurting my family and ultimately my performance at work by not truly disconnecting from time to time. Here are some ideas that have worked for me:

• Chose a POC to be in your place when gone. This requires empowering the person to make any needed decision. Set this person up for success with good information and your confidence. Let her know that you will stand by whatever decision is made. This can turn out to be great development for the person and a motivator for the team as they see others being developed.

• Turn off e-mail. The e-mail icon with a growing number can be a terrible temptation. Turning off the sync feature will keep you from sneaking a peak and helps reduce the stress of knowing there is so much waiting.

• Still need to read e-mail? Schedule yourself time when it does not interfere with the family and commit to using that time only. I do this by blocking an hour very early in the morning and again late in the afternoon.

• Put the phone down! Believe it or not the world is not going to end if you put your phone away for an entire day. Give to your spouse if you just can’t resist.

• Set a no electronics time for the entire family. Make it known that you are committing to this and that you want everyone to join.

• Be an example! When you as a manager still overtly work when off, it sends a subtle message to the team that off is not really off. Many will think they must do the same and stay connected when away. Your folks work hard and deserve a leader that cares as much about their away time as their here at work time.

Material stuff is great but in many ways the greatest gift you can give those around you this holiday season is to be fully present with them. Do it now before you find yourself someday alone with only your e-mail as a friend. Pretty hard to get a hug from e-mail huh?

What about you? How do you disconnect from work and connect with the family when off? Got any tips to share?

Do you stink?

~ David C.

“If you learn unhappiness too well you will get good at it”



David after 11 days on the trail

 This is a great slap in the face quote I heard recently from one of my favorite podcasters. The point was that the more time we spend unhappy then the more we will become comfortable with it.

I went on an 11 day hiking trip this summer and one of the rules was that we were not allowed to wear deodorant due to it being a smellable that could potentially attract bears. I wondered before the trip if an attack from a bear would be better than the smell of a group of unwashed and un-deodorized teen boys. Whew!

I realized on the trail this was not going to be a problem since we very quickly got used to our own smells and soon none of us noticed the stink. Things changed quickly however upon my return home when suddenly the smells that had surrounded me without notice attacked the senses much like a rampaging bear. Of course much of this was due to the equally powerful remarks from my repulsed wife that was thankfully working hard to launder and restore our gear back to pre-trip freshness. Thankfully we had taken showers before leaving camp so at least she was spared that little piece of goodness.

Unhappiness is a lot like our stink. Over time the things that smell up our lives can become so much an accepted part of us that we just move on and hardly notice.  We accept that our marriage will never be great, we will always be broke, we will never be close to our children and our jobs will always suck. To make matters worse, we often travel with a stinky crowd that accepts all of this just as the norm.

The reality is that it is way easier just to keep moving forward with things as they are verses taking the time to scrub away the mediocrity that is holding us back. Many of us also do not have a good friend that can look us square in the eye and say, “dude you stink!”

Fortunately for me have my wife, church, friends and others that are willing to crawl into my heart and let me know when a change is needed. For better or worse, I am also my own worst critic and seldom cut myself a break.

What about you? Do you have friend standing by with a good bar of soap? Have you and your partner set proper ground rules to ensure your feedback is out of love and not out of hurt? Do you take time to look deep inside to make sure you are not working to be a champion of unhappiness.

If not maybe it is time to turn a new direction and start that PhD of inner peace. Just don’t look back at that bear and get to running.

Glory Days?

~ David C.


I am turning 45 in a couple of weeks and that has put me in a bit of a reflective mood I guess. It really did not help that one of my magazines had an article this month about starting the second half of your life at 45. Next while checking my Roth this week realized I am only 15 years away from 60! I know there is a midlife crises phenomenon that many people experience around this time as they seek to create new achievements or to return to old glory days.

Funny thing is that I happen to think I am living my glory days right now with more to come in the future. I have a great job, loving wife (beautiful too BTW), amazing teenage son, and a full plate of volunteer work with kids that help make life fun.

There are many great days behind me and I am sure there are even better days ahead. For sure there are big changes with our son soon off to college and a new stage in our married life as empty nesters.

I am excited about the future and genuinely thankful to wake up to a new day every morning even if I have pain in places that used to never hurt and hair in places that never used to be hairy. What’s up with the ear hair anyway?

So bring it on 45 and beyond. I am very happy to be here and excited for every new day!

Really I do not care if you are 45, 14 or 94. It should be a joy in the morning to know you have made it to a new day with a new chance to honor God and to make a difference in this world.

Get out there friends and don’t let this day pass you by!

15 Years Ago Today

~ David C.
And so it begins

15 years ago today Michelle and I began our journey together as Mr. & Mrs. Copeland. It all started as a set up blind date on my birthday for lunch. Her good friend Jennifer was a co-worker of mine and for months had been telling me about this person I just had to meet. I was always a bit of shy guy when it came to asking girls out so a blind date sounded like a good idea to me.

The years since that lunch date have been better than I ever imagined. Together we have built a rich life full of trials, errors, laughs and most importantly love. One of the most amazing things about these many years is that we do still enjoy each other and believe steadfastly in our future.
On this special day, I just want express my thankfulness to God for the wonderful woman He planned for me even before I was born. I am also thankful to have such a great wife that through it all still is there loving and supporting me.  I am indeed a blessed man.

The best advice this year

~ David C.


“Take it from a guy with 5 kids. You hope they grow up and move away someday but you want the wife to stay”

This was some great advice a few weeks back from a twitter friend as I was having a bit of an internal debate about taking a trip with just the wife while our son is gone on a trip of his own with Scouts. The son was a little mad that we would consider going on a cool mini-vacation without him. This was not something in his 12 years of life that we have ever done.

The trip idea is to celebrate our 15th year of married. Truly the advice was a wake up reminder to me that yes the time invested with son is of paramount importance. At the same time, the investment in our husband/wife relationship deserves the same attention. After all, it is our intent to spend the rest of our days on earth together.

How many couples focus so much on the kids that when they grow up and leave they are left with no common interests and goals? How many couples after years of kids no longer know how to woo each other and to enjoy time alone?

So as you may have guessed I booked the trip!

What about you?

Do you take time to woo your wife?

Are you seeking opportunities to spend time together and share common interests?
I suggest we do these things now before there is any chance of growing separate and being left to re-learn each other once the children are gone.

Personally, I know great adventures are in store for Michelle and I. The best is yet to come!