relationships

Hello My Name Is…..

~ David C.
Hello my name is…..
Regret, stupid, mistake, loser, ugly, fat, defeat
For many people the labels we wear in our hearts about who or what we think we really are can be completely debilitating. Many are self-created for no real reason at all while others are the result of false assessments placed on us through the ignorance and meanness of others.
I am 46 yet in my head on bad day I can see very clearly the time as a second or third grader when in a moment of self defeat I etched “dummie” on  a brick outside the west side of our house. That moment and that word haunted me for years as not only did it continue to echo in my head but later I realized it would not come off the brick. I had created a false label. 
I think we all do this. We etch labels so deeply in our hearts that we just can’t seem to remove them. Then for some to feel better they transfer these labels to others in an effort to feel better.  I know way too many people that hate themselves and then in turn spend too much time pulling down the world around them.
I will be taller by making those around me smaller.
As Matthew West so successfully reminds us in his song we are not in many cases who we might think. Do not believe the lies. You (and I) have been placed on this world for a reason.
You can and will make a difference for your future. You can leave your past behind.
Hello
Person of influence
Successful employee
Go getter
Loving parent
Devoted spouse
Faithful servant of God

It is wonderful to meet you. 
What is your label?  

Wal-Mart sucks and so do I

~ David C.

Like many people I know, I avoid shopping at Wal-Mart as much as possible. I loathe the dozens of cashier stations with typically just a small percentage open. I cringe at the thought of using the terrible self-service kiosks that always seem to crash when I use them while gleefully exclaiming, “item not found in bag” when I try to pay. Oh the agony.

Then of course there are the people of Wal-Mart. It seems the store brings in a lower class of poorly dressed and equally poorly behaved people shopping in pajamas, house shoes and no bras.

Give me the high class folks of Target or a locally owned store any day.

Just other day the son and I were forced to shop in Wal-Mart together for an item that could not be found anywhere else. We bravely fought the holiday crowd while at the same time gaining great amusement feeling good about ourselves by making fun of the people in the store.

Huh?

I was no further away from the store than the parking lot when the whole thing came crashing down on my heart.

What kind of man am I to judge any person other than the one I see in the mirror every morning? I know that guy pretty well and it seems he fails a lot and has a good number of issues.  What kind of father am I as well to encourage my teen son through example to be as low as I am by making fun of people we have never met.

This turned into a teachable moment as I asked my son to forgive me for this behavior. I told him Dr. King had it right when he said we should judge people by the content of their character and not as they appear or as we might perceive based on prejudgments.   

How easy it is in life to feel taller by making those around us smaller? Aren’t we called by God instead to become the least if we want to become greatest?

In the end I am thankful for the lesson that day as it reminded me how far I have to go if I am to become the man I was born to become.


S.T.O.P

~ David C.

In my role as a Scout volunteer, I recently had chance to learn a little about techniques to use in a crises situation as part of the Wilderness Survival merit badge. There was something about the STOP model in the training that struck me as valuable for my personal life as well.

The point of the discussion was that often when people get lost there is panic which in turn ends up making the situation worse. There are many examples of people that in crises decided to blaze a way out of danger situations by panicking and running through the woods. These folks soon find themselves in even more despair, lost and alone.

I realize now that I often make this same error as a parent, husband and manager. Like many others, I see a problem and I want to immediately jump to a solution. Men are notorious about solution jumping when our wives bring a problem.

How different might the outcome be however if I simply followed this model instead.

Sit=Find some time alone in a quiet place to…

Think=What really is the issue here? Sometimes the mind can race so quickly with a fight or flight response that we need to consciously slow things down so that we can….

Observe=Many of the problems we face are simply situational and temporary. They could also be indicators of something deeper that needs to be examined.

This might be a good time to break out a pen and paper (yes they do still make these) and write down what you are feeling about problem. Have you felt this way before? What has worked in the past? How have others handled a similar problem? It is highly unlikely that you will experience any issues in life that someone else has not experienced and found a way to overcome.

Plan=Now finally with all of your facts straight and your situation assessed it is time to map out a plan for survival.

Next time you are in crises just STOP and perhaps you will find a better result!

Failing Forward

~ David C.

“The difference between average people and achieving people is their perception of and response to…failure.”
― John Maxwell
One of the key traits of successful people is a willingness to fail. There are many people out there that have never failed due to having never taken a risk. They have instead chosen the low road in life. The higher you try to climb the further you may fall after all.
The risk taker steps out in front of the crowd to try. She takes the risk, fails, learns and then goes at it again with a new and improved strategy.
This concept is known as failing forward and only a few have this great capacity. No one wants to be a failure but there are those who see missteps merely as chances to find new ways to win. Far too many people unfortunately use the fear of failure as an excuse not to try.
Perhaps they were a poor student before so the thought of spending money to go back to school brings memories of emotions felt when that “F” arrived.  Maybe there was love in the past that ended in heartbreak so the thought of the pain is just too much to risk again. There was the diet that went so well only to find the weight back just a few months later. The project we dove into with gusto and passion but found out quickly no one else was on board or willing to try something new and out of the box.
I say the heck with it.
What is the point of living if we are not pushing forward with a bet the farm; give it all everyday kind of attitude.
With just a few days away to the start of 2013, it is a great time to find some new ways to thumb the past and fail forward into the future. Take as stand and let the world know you are not afraid. You are willing fail because you understand that nothing really worth having was every obtained without some risk and some passion.
And if you do—2013 might just be the start of the best season of your life ever. It is worth a try at least huh?

Being Present for the Holidays

~ David C.

The holidays are here and many people will take end of the year vacation time away from work to be with family and friends. My company has a use it or lose it policy and I have several peers that are taking days and still losing time.

I know that many folks that are technically off will still find themselves working every day by responding to e-mails, attending meetings and checking performance numbers. Managers are important people with many others depending upon them. At the same time, I think there is no more important job than that of a mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, brother, sister and friend.

Jobs are temporary but your family should be forever.

It took me a long time to learn this lesson and realize that it was hurting my family and ultimately my performance at work by not truly disconnecting from time to time. Here are some ideas that have worked for me:

• Chose a POC to be in your place when gone. This requires empowering the person to make any needed decision. Set this person up for success with good information and your confidence. Let her know that you will stand by whatever decision is made. This can turn out to be great development for the person and a motivator for the team as they see others being developed.

• Turn off e-mail. The e-mail icon with a growing number can be a terrible temptation. Turning off the sync feature will keep you from sneaking a peak and helps reduce the stress of knowing there is so much waiting.

• Still need to read e-mail? Schedule yourself time when it does not interfere with the family and commit to using that time only. I do this by blocking an hour very early in the morning and again late in the afternoon.

• Put the phone down! Believe it or not the world is not going to end if you put your phone away for an entire day. Give to your spouse if you just can’t resist.

• Set a no electronics time for the entire family. Make it known that you are committing to this and that you want everyone to join.

• Be an example! When you as a manager still overtly work when off, it sends a subtle message to the team that off is not really off. Many will think they must do the same and stay connected when away. Your folks work hard and deserve a leader that cares as much about their away time as their here at work time.

Material stuff is great but in many ways the greatest gift you can give those around you this holiday season is to be fully present with them. Do it now before you find yourself someday alone with only your e-mail as a friend. Pretty hard to get a hug from e-mail huh?

What about you? How do you disconnect from work and connect with the family when off? Got any tips to share?

Do you stink?

~ David C.

“If you learn unhappiness too well you will get good at it”



David after 11 days on the trail

 This is a great slap in the face quote I heard recently from one of my favorite podcasters. The point was that the more time we spend unhappy then the more we will become comfortable with it.

I went on an 11 day hiking trip this summer and one of the rules was that we were not allowed to wear deodorant due to it being a smellable that could potentially attract bears. I wondered before the trip if an attack from a bear would be better than the smell of a group of unwashed and un-deodorized teen boys. Whew!

I realized on the trail this was not going to be a problem since we very quickly got used to our own smells and soon none of us noticed the stink. Things changed quickly however upon my return home when suddenly the smells that had surrounded me without notice attacked the senses much like a rampaging bear. Of course much of this was due to the equally powerful remarks from my repulsed wife that was thankfully working hard to launder and restore our gear back to pre-trip freshness. Thankfully we had taken showers before leaving camp so at least she was spared that little piece of goodness.

Unhappiness is a lot like our stink. Over time the things that smell up our lives can become so much an accepted part of us that we just move on and hardly notice.  We accept that our marriage will never be great, we will always be broke, we will never be close to our children and our jobs will always suck. To make matters worse, we often travel with a stinky crowd that accepts all of this just as the norm.

The reality is that it is way easier just to keep moving forward with things as they are verses taking the time to scrub away the mediocrity that is holding us back. Many of us also do not have a good friend that can look us square in the eye and say, “dude you stink!”

Fortunately for me have my wife, church, friends and others that are willing to crawl into my heart and let me know when a change is needed. For better or worse, I am also my own worst critic and seldom cut myself a break.

What about you? Do you have friend standing by with a good bar of soap? Have you and your partner set proper ground rules to ensure your feedback is out of love and not out of hurt? Do you take time to look deep inside to make sure you are not working to be a champion of unhappiness.

If not maybe it is time to turn a new direction and start that PhD of inner peace. Just don’t look back at that bear and get to running.