My son is in the 7th grade this year and more and more is becoming his own person. Glimpses of him as the child he was have become harder to find and as a view of the man he is becoming takes center stage.

There are things about my son’s behavior that irritate me at times and as his parent it is my duty to point out these fallacies much to his chagrin. Such has been the way of the father-son relationship for as long as there have been fathers and sons.

Some fathers unfortunately take this role too far and the relationship eventually falls into a pattern of conflict that can be very hard to break. The pattern of conflict works to create the “Father wound“ and can impact a boy well into manhood.(more on the wound on a later post)

The other day I came to the realization that many of the things I lash out the hardest to Conner about are really inner anger points at me. Sure, part of parenting is to help our children not to repeat our own mistakes and to grow into a better life than we experienced. At the same time, it is just as important we don’t let our personal fallacies get in the way of our children growing into who God intended them to be. Perhaps my weaknesses can grow to be his strengths.

There are many things about myself that I hope Conner will never become. The mirror I see myself in is often filled with doubt, selfishness, fear and pain. Basically it is a mirror filled with a human living in a fallen world just like you and everyone else.

My commitment is to not stop correcting the boundaries since that is a critical part of parenting. I will however make sure to focus on strengths more than weakness and check those three fingers to ensure the finger I am pointing is not just three at me.

As a parent, do you find yourself lashing out really towards your own faults rather than your child’s actual issue? Let me challenge you this next time to really consider the source of your irritation before correction.

Do you think our grandparents would have imagined we would someday live in a world where we would need to run in place on a motorized belt to get our exercise?

For me, I actually kind of like the treadmill. My feet pounding out a rhythmic THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! Sweat dripping like warm salty rain to the floor from my face and arms creating pools of exasperation underneath my temporary kingdom of running content.

However, there was a time when running was for a reason. We ran into battle, we ran away from danger, we ran to the arms of a loved one, we ran to win a grand race. Now we often run just for the sake of running.

The reality of treadmill running is that we can spend hours in the artificial light of that artificial environment running in place. In the end we will still be right where we started.

Of course life can be like this too. We create artificial substitutes for things that once meant much to us. Who needs the sweet sound of a friends’ voice when we can just talk via e-mail, text or twitter? Who needs to deal with the problems of their life when we can just go to the self-help section of the book store and spend $12.00 to find all the answers?

And many of us wonder why our lives seem to stay rutted in today and not moving on to a promising tomorrow. It reminds me of Alice’s experience with the Cheshire Cat in Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland.

Alice asks the cat, “Would you tell me, please, which way should I walk from here?”
The cat replies, “That depends a good deal on where you want to go.”
Alice responds, “I don’t much care where.”
To which the cat replies, “In that case, it doesn’t matter which way you walk”

Alice would have been a great treadmill person. She could have just stayed right there, ran in place and saved herself a lot of trouble.

What about you? Are you living the treadmill life? Do you leave work every day and feel as if you have done nothing but run in place? Are you moving forward in your faith relationship? What about your family?

The start of a new year and indeed a new decade is as good of an opportunity as any to jump off, run out, and get moving in a new direction. This indeed is my hope and my prayer for all of us in 2010.

Press on!

“Dude! Do your parents have jobs? They seem to be around all the time”

This is perhaps one of my favorite all time quotes from a friend of my son. He asked Conner this one afternoon during a school holiday when he was over to hang out and do other things boys like to do.

My wife and I were both home as we usually are when Conner happens to be out for a day or two from school. Why? We are blessed that Michelle works part time and I am blessed with job that provides way more vacation than I ever seem to be able to use.
More importantly, it is because we know these years with him are fleeting and will be gone soon. We also try to live the mantra that for a child love is spelled TIME as much as it is any other way. We have committed to spend moments with him doing what we can to create positive and lasting memories of us as a family.

(Another favorite quote) “You better enjoy me now Dad before I am a teenager and do not like you anymore”—Conner Copeland; Conner is 12 now by the way.

What about you and your family? Do you go for the quality or the quantity or a little bit of both when it comes to time? What is your T.I.M.E strategy?

I am a big believer traditions and think this is one of the best ways to create true lasting memories for your family. Think about your own past. What do you remember most about growing up? Is it the one time you went to such and such state park or perhaps the Saturday mornings when mom would always rouse you up early for pancakes? Chances are the pancakes are what you remember.
One example from are family is the Happy Birthday banner. (see pictures) We first put this up way back in 1996 and it has become a staple around here ever since. Even the dog gets a banner on her birthday and our house got a mention the day we moved in. It would just not be a birthday without the banner and a picture by the date. Of course the cool thing is also seeing the pictures and how we change over the years.
What about you and your family? Do you have traditions? If so, what are they? Also, what are some of your favorite tradition memories as a child?

“My philosophy of life is that if we make up our mind what we are going to make of our lives, then work hard toward that goal, we never lose—somehow we win out….”
Ronald Reagan

A few weeks ago Conner and I were pulling out of the neighborhood and a sparkling new bright yellow Mustang Shelby Cobra passed us by. As men do, we talked about what a fast car that must be and how cool it would be to have a Mustang. Seconds later another Mustang passed by. Soon we approached the stoplight and boom there were two more. I asked Conner to start counting the number of Mustangs we would see for the next few minutes of our trip. I don’t recall the exact end number but it had to be more than twenty.

Conner exclaimed, “these Mustangs are everywhere! Ford must be making a ton of money”. I saw this as great opportunity to teach Conner about the Law of Expectations. Basically the Law of Expectations states that we tend to get what we expect. Conner expected to see Mustangs and suddenly they were everywhere.
I told him it is the same with people. Those who expect others to be good tend to see good in everyone one they meet. This is in stark contrast to the bitter person that thinks negatively of others and sees faults in everyone. This is the type of person that is always trying to be taller by making others smaller.

I owe an attitude of positive expectations to so many great things in my life. I expect people to be good and tend to like most everyone I meet. I have expected to be successful in my daily job and when things seem challenging I tell my co-workers not to worry because things “always work out for me”. No I am not relying on dumb luck it is just things indeed seem to always work out.

How do you look at life? Do you expect the best or are you always looking for a reason to see the worse in people and in situations?

Look at the bright side of things I you might just be surpised at what you find.

I recently had the wonderful opportunity for a full week of vacation with the family. I am a bit of an obsessive time off kind of guy and work to plan as much as a year in advance. We keep our away time simple and relatively cheap. Also, as a lover of the outdoors and adventure, the wife and son can pretty much count on some hiking or other activity that gets us out alone with nature. No TV, no phone, and no contact with the outside world.
Taking this time off is not easy. My job has a lot of responsibility. Since I manage people in multiple locations, there is an element of complexity that needs close attention daily. However important my position might be my team is not curing cancer and no one is going to die if an e-mail goes unread or a question does not get answered for a few days.
I also try hard to empower fully whoever may be my point of contact while I am away to make decisions on my behalf. I tell these folks that I trust their ability and will support any action that may need to be taken in my absence.
I understand fully that this time with Conner and Michelle is an invaluable investment in us as a family. I do not want my son’s childhood memories of dad to be the guy who was always on conference calls or constantly checking e-mail even when supposedly enjoying time off. I see many people doing this and it always breaks my heart.
What about you? When was the last time you stepped away to recharge, renew, and refocus your life? When you are with your family, do you strive to be fully present and shove aside whatever may be going on back at work? I can guarantee you that doing so will indeed improve your life as a spouse, parent and employee. Take some time this week to plan out a way to disconnect so you may in turn reconnect. You will be happy that you did.
Leave a comment and let other’s know what action you take to truly relax with the family.