Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and as usual I rounded up some goodies for the Mrs. including dark chocolate and a sweet card. My son and I joined together on our expedition of love two weeks ago.

This was a teachable moment about some Valentine giving rules. Number one of course being:

1. Don’t be lame!

It cracks me up every year to see the panicked men at the drug or grocery store the evening of the 14th pilfering through the leftovers for a card that will give a slight glimpse into the heart of love he has for his sweetie.

The lesson for the son was to be sure and plan for the big day well in advance to ensure the only the best card and best candies make the cut.

My wife of course believes the same as is evidenced by the wonderful card she chose. Clearly given that I had picked out the very same card for her we are two brilliant masters of love that are just meant to be together.

Later that evening came the greatest gift of all when our 13 year old son in his prayers thanked the Lord for having parents that love each other.

Teaching our sons about how to be loving husbands as well as hopeless romantics through even goofy and by chance examples are indeed a great gift.

When was the last time you told your wife how much you love her within ear shot of your children?

When was the last time you prayed in front of your child and thanked God for giving you such a wonderful and beautiful wife?

What are some other ways we can pursue our wife’s as a positive example? I would like to hear your ideas too. (so I can steal them of course)

There I said it.

My father died when I was very young shortly after my mother and father had divorced. As hard as I have tried, I have no memories of my father and I do not recall my mother ever sharing stories with me as a child about the kind of man he was.

One of the very few pictures of me with my dad. That is my back

Growing up a fatherless boy in a single parent household had a tremendous impact on my youth. It did not help that I was overweight, awkward and very shy. Not having a father became a focus to everything I perceived as wrong in my life. I just knew if I had a dad around he would be teaching me everything I wanted to be and was not. I would know how to be athletic, fix things, be thin, talk to girls, be smart, make friends, and more. Eventually when I was in 8th grade my mother remarried but unfortunately the man that became my stepfather and I never connected.

Fast forward to August 19th 1997. On this day I became a father. I will admit that I was terrified about being a dad to a son. What kind of dad would I be given that I had no positive example to follow? The moment when I held him in my arms the first time all my fear went away and I committed to do everything I could to be the dad to Conner that I had fantasized for my own as a child.

Fast forward to May of 1998. That was the moment when I learned I had cancer and my chances of living beyond even a few months were very slim. Suddenly the prospect of a fatherless childhood became a reality for my own son. Would he now have to suffer through the same kind of childhood that was my memory?

Now is your time to change or to help another dad discover the best in himself. I have made in the past and will make in the future many mistakes as a father. However, to my core I will never stop learning and trying to be the best father I can possibly be.

Dads—you too can reach your fathering potential. Learn, grow and strive to be more.

Don’t piss me off

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to serve as a volunteer facilitator for the Putnam City North Challenge day which was sponsored by the Putnam City Schools Foundation The Challenge day program has been around for more than 20 years and recently became even more well known thanks to a feature program on MTV of a visit to PC West. The target audience for this amazing day was the freshman class which is one of the largest to attend PC North in several years.

It is hard to be a kid these days. This is something I am well aware of as a person that does a lot of work with youth. Having seen the show and spoken to a previous Challenge Days volunteer, I had a pretty good idea of how the day would go and the questions that would be presented. My initial guess was that most of the kids would have seen the MTV show and as a result would also have known what to expect. It turns out that I was still surprised of the result of the day. My surprise I would say was not near as great as that of the kids that were part of this day.

I was assigned to a group of five and was nervous about how we would connect. Looking into their eyes, I saw the potential of who they could be and at the same time felt deeply the pain of who they were (or at least thought they were). By the end of the day four of the five were in tears and expressed much about the challenges they were facing. I heard stories about broken relationships, broken hearts and broken dreams.

I could go on and on about the courage and first steps of change I saw but will save that for a later post. What I want to express for you today is the incredible opportunity we have to make a difference for these kids. Now is the time to look in the mirror and truly ask yourself what kind of parent and example you are being for your child. Are you doing all you can to support them? Do you love your spouse as you would hope your child would be loved someday? Are you as close to God as you would hope for them? When was the last time you asked your child about his or her dreams and then sat with mind and ears open to just listen?

Changing the world sometimes starts as simply as making changes at home and admitting our own fallacies.

My change starts now with my own son and wife. What about you? Will you join the challenge?

The other day I ran across an interesting study about the effectiveness of person praise vs process praise. Here is a link to the study if you are interested in reading.

In a nutshell, the hypothesis was that children would perform better and would be willing to take on harder tasks if the feedback focused more on strategies and effort (process) vs trait (Person) related feedback.

Think, “Wow Sally! You did great on the exercise! I can tell that you are great person” vs. “Wow Sally! You did great on that exercise. The extra effort you did to study the process involved made a real difference in making you successful”

I have taught this for years at the Situation/Action/Result (SAR) model. Following this simple model while giving feedback is very effective.

Situation:
Sally you knew the test was going to be a hard one didn’t you?
Action:
I really appreciate the way you took extra time to study
Result:
You got and A thanks to the extra effort!

An even better technique would be for Sally to tell you the SAR rather then providing it yourself.

This was a good reminder that not only should we praise our children but we should also give specific and detailed reasons behind the praise. How will they repeat the behavior if we do not make sure they know what it was?

This is also good advice for coaching employees BTW.

As a dad, I have many responsibilities when raising my son. One I take very seriously is preparing him to be a Godly and supportive husband in the future. The fact is: The way I treat my wife today is the way my son most likely will treat his wife in the future. I desire my son to grow up and someday marry an incredible woman that will love support him.

My wife gets this fact too and together we have a somewhat deliberate strategy that luckily comes pretty naturally to us.

Here are a few tips:

1.Love each other in public: Tell her you love her in ear shot of your child. Let him see that you mean it!

2.Compliment when alone: I love complimenting Michelle when she is not around. I tell my son what a wonderful (and beautiful) wife she is and give examples why.

3.Never EVER put down your spouse: Your child is not the person to have a “Your mom is so___” conversation with. Don’t forget there is a difference between being a friend and a parent.

4.Respect her beauty: I just hate to see guys that gawk at other women. This is even worse when done in front of your child. What kind of example is that? Teach him now to appreciate the wonder if what he has and maybe he will not wander in the future.

5.Pray together: When we pray as a family I often thank God for my wife. I give Him specifics as to what makes her so great.

6.Pray for the future: Kind of amazing to think that my son’s future wife is out there somewhere growing up and preparing. I have begun to pray for her already and figure God will help lead the right person his way. (After he graduates college, has a great job, and buys his dad a new Triathlon bike) Okay that was a bit of stretch but I know you understand : )

In the end, only God knows what the future holds for our children. Succeed or fail, I want to know we did everything we could as parents to provide our son the opportunity. The rest is up to Him and him.