Family Leadership

Hyperconnected and still alone

~ David C.
The way we connect to information and to each other has been revolutionized over the last several years. This has come about thanks to the advance of mobile communication devices and social sites like Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, Blogger, Periscope and on and on. 
We are socially connected more than ever before in history with our fancy devices fundamentally changing the way we communicate. The sad part is that social automation and other technologies are in many cases not bringing people together. For many, it is instead creating an inverse effect with possible “friends” in the thousands but in reality no real relationships.
I am a man. You may be one as well. As men, we are especially at risk to fall into the trap of loneliness and isolation. We are manly men and we are not expected to ever express feelings, show pain or step away from our role of responsibility leading our family from the front into the battles of life. Sure times have changed to soften much of this for many but the reality is that most of us are just hard wired to be closed emotionally and to press on no matter what we are facing.
The results can be devastating as men struggle and find unhealthy outlets for their disconnected loneliness. Emotional detachment from family, affairs, addictions to porn, and alcohol abuse are just a few of the unfortunate outcomes.
Even less talked about is suicide rates among men. Men commit suicide at a rate that is 4X higher than woman and in the US men account for 79% of all suicides. These numbers do not include unreported attempts.
As men what can we learn from all of this? I believe that we must recognize the importance of having a male confidant in our lives. A person that we can have a meaningful and still masculine relationship that allows for openness and sharing. It can be uncomfortable to have truly deep and meaningful conversations with another dude and that is why for most of us this needs to happen while also doing manly things. 
Think being in the outdoors hiking, hunting, chopping wood, building something or just plain doing manly stuff. We are not sit around a smelly candle sipping wine kind of people.
Men let me challenge you to reach out and make a change. You just might save a marriage or even save a life. 

Time to let go

~ David C.
August was big for us as our only child left the house to begin a new life in college. This event had loomed for a long time and to be honest I was not really sure of what would be my reaction.
Excitement? Depression? Fear?
The possibilities were broad and fortunately the realities turned out to be mostly positive for us. His excitement was completely contagious and I could not help but smile on my way home thinking of him back in the dorm room with this great next big step into adulthood. He said he could not wait to ask friends over to see his “place.”
The reality is that moving on and growing up is a good thing and being human there is nothing wrong with parents experiencing all the stages of separation that is expected. You name an emotion and I have most likely felt it over these last several weeks as we prepared for the big day.
I have tried my best all these years to be the father to my son that I never experienced as a child. I tried to be there for him when he needed me. I tried to be a loving example as a husband so that he would have a model to follow in his own marriage. I tried to love God and show how to have a foundation of faith. I tried to spend time serving others to show life is not all about me. I tried to encourage him to be independent as a thinker and a person so that he could make choices establish his own beliefs. I tried to teach him about money by avoiding extravagances and keeping out of debt.
Most of all—I tried
Looking back I know there were many things in my list of perfect parenting where I failed. There are things I wish I had done more and things I has wish I had done less.
However
Now is not the time to look in the past or dwell on the should haves. Instead now is the time to look forward to the future and have confidence that we set a solid foundation that will serve him through his future failures and success.
I know his mother and I will miss him but the future of seeing the ongoing result of all these years as he discovers his own way is even more exciting to ponder.
He just better not forget that the door is always open for a return to the Copeland house and I am sure I will still slip him a twenty when mom is not looking.

Good luck son! 

Hello Senior Year

~ David C.
Well here we go. It is the start of the senior year for Conner and of course I know it will go by fast. It is almost cliché to talk about how time flies but these 17 years have gone by in a blink of an eye.
I am little reflective now thinking back to the parent I have been for him. Regrets? Yes I do have some and can think of many ways I could have been a better father.
I do not regret for a moment the choices we made to live our lives centered around being as good of parents we could and supporting our child with time together. Sure, Michelle and I could have thrown everything at climbing the corporate ladder and chasing stuff. The result may have been a bigger house, fancier vacations and newer cars. But at what price for these things? 
They mean nothing if it leads to a debt of regret for missed opportunities in the short 18 years we got to spend time with this great guy. 
Having lost our father’s at young ages, Michelle and I both have fully understood the privilege of being mom and dad.  
I know in my heart that Conner has the foundation he needs to be a success. I am not talking success in career necessarily. Yes he has big dreams in that area. I am talking the area that really counts and that is success as a man of integrity and as a servant of God.

Thank you Conner for bringing so much joy to our lives. Your future is bright no matter where it is going to lead you. 

How we became 100% debt free

~ David C.

Last month our family achieved an important milestone in our lives. We dropped in the mail our final house payment to become 100% debt free!

I have to be honest. Much of my obsession over saving and being debt free has been driven by a fear of the future.  What would my family do if the cancer were to come back? What burden would I leave them? How would my son go to college? What happens if I were to lose my job?
Sometimes fear can be a good thing if in end the end it brings hope.
So how did we get here?  It is far easier than you might think.
Don’t buy stuff you can’t afford!             
Sounds like common sense doesn’t it? Common sense unfortunately is just not common practice for most people.  Key here is having discernment between what you need to have and would like to have. If you don’t have the money just don’t buy it. Pretty simple huh?
Live below your means! 
When we were looking for our house I remember seeing many homes for sale from people our age who were clearly over their heads. It was easy to tell these folks by the leftover college furniture and yards with no fence. As the Realtor would push us to what the bank said we could buy we pushed back and stuck to our goals.
Save, save and save some more!
The key here is consistency and commitment. One of the best strategies is to set up automatic saving through your 401K and other auto savings options. It is easier not to spend money you never had and a good savings ensures you are ready for the emergencies in life.
Really the ultimate key to our debt free success it that Michelle and I are completely on the same page with our financial goals and we have been willing to think long term vs going for the fun of the moment.
What a feeling it is to know we can now start to build a legacy and no matter what the world may throw at us. We are prepared.
You can do it too! Just start small and begin right away.
Need some education?  I would highly recommend Dave Ramsey as his talk show and philosophy have influence us greatly. Follow his baby steps plan and you too can be debt free!

The Power of Encouragement

~ David C.
One of the things you hear marathon runners talk about is “the wall”. This is the moment around mile 20 or so when many people reach that critical point where a physical and mental choice is made. The choice revolves around continuing to run, walking, or for some just plain quitting.
I can remember hitting this moment during my fist marathon several years ago.
It was somewhere around mile 22 and after three and a half hours of running. It seemed most of the people around me at this point were walking or doing a little run/walk combo. To say we were running at this point was a bit of stretch.
Oh how I longed for the pain end and to join the comfort of those who were walking.
One cool thing at the Dallas White Rock Marathon is that if you are a first time marathoner you have a different number you wear so that anyone will know you are a first timer.  
Here back at the end of the pack there were several of us first timers.
As my desire to stop was reaching a crescendo, a first timer that was slightly ahead of me had started walking. There on the corner standing alone was a friendly spectator that saw this and shouted, “Hey first timer! Come on! You are almost there and looking good! Don’t start walking! Go for the finish!”
These words were not intended for me. 
The person of intention kept on walking.
 
But for me it made a difference.

Her words right at that moment encouraged me to keep moving and to reach the goal I had spent so many months working towards. I was just four miles from completing my dream to run a marathon and I was not about to stop running now thanks to some kindness that was not even intended for me.

The lesson I learned from this moment is that we can never really know the power of our positive attitude. We may miss the mark with the person we intend to help at the time but may be setting an example unknowingly to help someone else. Part of me also hopes that walker soaked in the encouragement and later crossed the line in triumph.

Don’t give up. It just takes a small step to move forward.

Wal-Mart sucks and so do I

~ David C.

Like many people I know, I avoid shopping at Wal-Mart as much as possible. I loathe the dozens of cashier stations with typically just a small percentage open. I cringe at the thought of using the terrible self-service kiosks that always seem to crash when I use them while gleefully exclaiming, “item not found in bag” when I try to pay. Oh the agony.

Then of course there are the people of Wal-Mart. It seems the store brings in a lower class of poorly dressed and equally poorly behaved people shopping in pajamas, house shoes and no bras.

Give me the high class folks of Target or a locally owned store any day.

Just other day the son and I were forced to shop in Wal-Mart together for an item that could not be found anywhere else. We bravely fought the holiday crowd while at the same time gaining great amusement feeling good about ourselves by making fun of the people in the store.

Huh?

I was no further away from the store than the parking lot when the whole thing came crashing down on my heart.

What kind of man am I to judge any person other than the one I see in the mirror every morning? I know that guy pretty well and it seems he fails a lot and has a good number of issues.  What kind of father am I as well to encourage my teen son through example to be as low as I am by making fun of people we have never met.

This turned into a teachable moment as I asked my son to forgive me for this behavior. I told him Dr. King had it right when he said we should judge people by the content of their character and not as they appear or as we might perceive based on prejudgments.   

How easy it is in life to feel taller by making those around us smaller? Aren’t we called by God instead to become the least if we want to become greatest?

In the end I am thankful for the lesson that day as it reminded me how far I have to go if I am to become the man I was born to become.


On Conner turning 16

~ David C.

As far as birthdays go there are few more memorable than sixteen. It is more than just a number as it represents a new freedom to roam and a giant step to independence thanks to the all-important driver’s license and access to a vehicle.

Conner reached this milestone and began his junior year of high school on the same day last week. That is a pretty good day by any measure.

His excitement level reminded me somewhat sadly of those giddy days of old when a $3 Star Wars toy or a pirate birthday party would bring boundless energy of anticipation. I made a point to be home for that moment when with the new freedom card in hand he drove off alone for the first time.

Certainly a big part of his childhood was left behind in the driveway as he cruised away music cranked and smile wide. Meanwhile back at home his mother and I shared a hug as we too acknowledged that our lives had at the same time had just changed into a new stage of parenting and of being with each other.

Just less than two years from now we will stand in that same driveway again as he leaves to begin his journey to college. I know it will go by incredibly fast and we can only pray that our parental investments and sacrifices will come back to pay dividends into the future of this great young man we are proud to know as our son.

Drive on Conner. (oh and drive slow with no texting) :   )

Welcome back to me

~ David C.

It is hard to believe it has been almost nine months since my last blog post here. I seem to be suffering from a lack of inspiration as a result of extreme work and life busyness. January has somehow suddenly rolled into August and we are just days away from our son turning 16 and starting the first day of his junior year of high school.

I started this year with grand ambitions of goals to be met and instead found myself faced with many obstacles that I have yet to determine an effective strategy to overcome. Basically, it became a year that had to be dedicated to work success at a high intensity level requiring hours of extra time. I am thankfully succeeding in this area.

Looking back, I do not regret the choices I have made. Looking forward I know that it is time to return to balance and regain control of things through effectively managing priorities.

That is my commitment. That is my choice.

S.T.O.P

~ David C.

In my role as a Scout volunteer, I recently had chance to learn a little about techniques to use in a crises situation as part of the Wilderness Survival merit badge. There was something about the STOP model in the training that struck me as valuable for my personal life as well.

The point of the discussion was that often when people get lost there is panic which in turn ends up making the situation worse. There are many examples of people that in crises decided to blaze a way out of danger situations by panicking and running through the woods. These folks soon find themselves in even more despair, lost and alone.

I realize now that I often make this same error as a parent, husband and manager. Like many others, I see a problem and I want to immediately jump to a solution. Men are notorious about solution jumping when our wives bring a problem.

How different might the outcome be however if I simply followed this model instead.

Sit=Find some time alone in a quiet place to…

Think=What really is the issue here? Sometimes the mind can race so quickly with a fight or flight response that we need to consciously slow things down so that we can….

Observe=Many of the problems we face are simply situational and temporary. They could also be indicators of something deeper that needs to be examined.

This might be a good time to break out a pen and paper (yes they do still make these) and write down what you are feeling about problem. Have you felt this way before? What has worked in the past? How have others handled a similar problem? It is highly unlikely that you will experience any issues in life that someone else has not experienced and found a way to overcome.

Plan=Now finally with all of your facts straight and your situation assessed it is time to map out a plan for survival.

Next time you are in crises just STOP and perhaps you will find a better result!

Failing Forward

~ David C.

“The difference between average people and achieving people is their perception of and response to…failure.”
― John Maxwell
One of the key traits of successful people is a willingness to fail. There are many people out there that have never failed due to having never taken a risk. They have instead chosen the low road in life. The higher you try to climb the further you may fall after all.
The risk taker steps out in front of the crowd to try. She takes the risk, fails, learns and then goes at it again with a new and improved strategy.
This concept is known as failing forward and only a few have this great capacity. No one wants to be a failure but there are those who see missteps merely as chances to find new ways to win. Far too many people unfortunately use the fear of failure as an excuse not to try.
Perhaps they were a poor student before so the thought of spending money to go back to school brings memories of emotions felt when that “F” arrived.  Maybe there was love in the past that ended in heartbreak so the thought of the pain is just too much to risk again. There was the diet that went so well only to find the weight back just a few months later. The project we dove into with gusto and passion but found out quickly no one else was on board or willing to try something new and out of the box.
I say the heck with it.
What is the point of living if we are not pushing forward with a bet the farm; give it all everyday kind of attitude.
With just a few days away to the start of 2013, it is a great time to find some new ways to thumb the past and fail forward into the future. Take as stand and let the world know you are not afraid. You are willing fail because you understand that nothing really worth having was every obtained without some risk and some passion.
And if you do—2013 might just be the start of the best season of your life ever. It is worth a try at least huh?